|Know your enemy|
You’d think caravanners would squirm with embarrassment and guilt at the enormous traffic tailbacks they cause, humbly move aside to let normal road-users pass. But no: shamelessly, their wretched convoys torture us with snail-like progress.
To tow a caravan, training is not required. You just hitch up your little tin home and lurch off down the road, swaying like a cobra. Caravanners’ towing cars are often dreadful, unsuitably small or old, while the vans have bizarre brand-names: ‘Speedbird’, ‘Carefree’ and stretching things beyond breaking-point, ‘Popular’.
What sort of people are caravanners? Stony-faced old gits whose driving is best described as 'cautious'; they can’t read maps and sat-navs are modern rubbish, so everywhere they dither. Or else it’s poor families of sweaties, crushed into grimy derelict vehicles; if only the parents had tried harder at school, today they could afford a holiday ‘abroad’.
|I'll just put the kettle on|
I don’t like Top Gear, a TV programme, but it has the right idea with caravans. Every week, new ways are shown of ridiculing caravanners and destroying their ‘homes-on-wheels’. Normal people who all detest caravans can watch appreciatively as ‘emmet-bins’ are dropped from great heights onto concrete, or thrown in the sea.
Caravanning: it’s like a tow-along house, except it’s shit. Come on caravanners, why not give it up and take a decent holiday? Give us all a break.