Spot The Difference (6)

Left: former BBC news reporter, now presents gentle TV programmes for the elderly. Pencilled in for Songs of Praise.

Right: One-dimensional 'comedienne': "I'm fat, I'm fat, all men are bastards, ooo a cake." But still funnier than grandson Russell.

Spot The Difference (5): Miliband vs Plasticine

Left: Labour party supply leader. Brought in as a stop-gap until the party's appalling record under Gordon 'Chuckles' Brown has been forgotten by the electorate, when he'll be replaced by Yvette Cooper.

Right: Piece of plasticine. For short periods, can be animated.

Country Walking: Stick People

One of the joys of Cornwall is the scenery; I love tramping across the countryside. Be it coastline, moor or the truly atmospheric Cornish antiquities, on goes my walking stuff.

My boots are a good ten years old, dubbined until they're like butter. In a sale a few years ago I bought a second pair thinking that eventually the old faithfuls would drop to bits, but they're still a going concern.

Above the boots I tend to wear army surplus stuff. There are loads of pockets for necessaries, and it's tough. Hacking through brambles on Predannack Down may not be your cup of tea, but it would be a jolly sight worse in Marks slacks.

My car's filled with vital equipment. A change of clothes for when it rains. A map, food, a small pack, a camera, a book. The last doubles as my toolkit - if I break down, I can read it until the RAC arrives.

Walking's a gregarious pursuit. You meet other explorers and people stop for a chat. Often they're middle-aged, but walking is great exercise and many are very fit. Some know about the locality, or have friendly dogs you can make a fuss of. Others can give you directions, which is helpful when the map's wrong (this happens quite a lot). The old campaigners are easy to identify; they use worn-in, battered but serviceable clothing and equipment.

But can someone please explain the current fad for walking with the aid of sticks.

We see this particularly among smartly-dressed walkers, couples with matching cagouls in bright, jolly colours. As well as their new booties and little packs they favour telescopic, carbon-fibre walking-sticks, sometimes just one, often two. To these people, sticks are an indespensible aid to motion.

Couldn't the stick people just walk normally? Sometimes the terrain's perfectly flat; it's never likely to reach the severity of the Matterhorn. There's no need to push off on every stride, as if they were dragging a laden Arctic sled behind them.

No. Even in the uncomplicated world of walking about, the nurtured need has arisen to accessorise. Megacorp is snaring this simple activity in its loathsome commercial grasp. What further ridiculous embellishments can we look forward to?

Message: don't be a victim, don't buy stupid sticks! They aren't cool, they don't help you to walk; you learned to do that some time ago.

Charles Causley: My Mother Saw A Dancing Bear

Charles Causley was a poet of international stature, born and bred in Launceston, Cornwall where he lived for most of his life. Highly-regarded by John Betjeman, Ted Hughes and Roger McGough, Causley’s early work was noted for its narrative style and included many references to Cornwall and its legends.

During the 1970s Causley began to publish poetry for children, simple rhymes to delight readers by their very sounds, often illustrated by prominent artists. He also wrote plays, short stories and opera librettos. In 1967 he was awarded the Queen's Gold Medal for Poetry; a CBE followed during 1986. Causley died in 2003.

'My Mother Saw A Dancing Bear' is my favourite Charles Causley poem.

My mother saw a dancing bear
By the schoolyard, a day in June.
The keeper stood with chain and bar
And whistle-pipe, and played a tune.

And Bruin lifted up its head
And lifted up its dusty feet,
And all the children laughed to see
It caper in the summer heat.

They watched as for the Queen it died,
They watched it march, they watched it halt.
They heard the keeper as he cried,
"Now, Roly-Poly!" "Somersault!"

And then my mother said, there came
The keeper with a begging cup,
The bear with burning coat of fur
Shaming the laughter to a stop.

They paid a penny for the dance
But what they saw was not the show;
Only in Bruin's aching eyes
Far-distant forests, and the snow.

This Is No Ordinary Dinosaur ...

Recently, Bill Bennett was overcharged by Marks and Spencer for a sandwich. He sent an email to them:

I was in your Taunton store a couple of days ago, and bought a sandwich. You’ll notice from the photos enclosed that the sandwich was priced up on the shelf at £1.90 but scanned through at £3.00. I would be grateful if you would refund the difference to me, preferably back to the payment card used. Regards.
The store replied:
Thank you for your email regarding your sandwiches. I was sorry to hear you were overcharged. Unfortunately, I am unable to refund the amount onto your credit card but if you would like to send in your address details I will happily send you a gift card. Kind regards, Tracey Burns, Retail Customer Services.

Time passed but Bill's gift card wasn't sent. He emailed:
I’ve still not received the gift card, could you please advise? Rgds.

From M&S came:
Thank you for contacting us. I’m sorry we’ve not sent your gift card yet. We will arrange this as soon as possible. Kind regards, Anne Gledhill, Your M&S Customer Service.

Bill responded with:
It’s [address]. For the inconvenience of all the letters, I would also like a hand-drawn picture of a smiley dinosaur to be included with the gift card. I trust you will be able to comply with this request.

An unusual demand but fair play to him. Not to be outdone, M&S replied with the following:
Thank you for getting back in touch and I am sorry to hear about the overcharging in our Taunton store for the sandwiches. As agreed with my colleagues Tracey and Anne please find a gift card for £5 to cover the overcharge of the sandwiches.

Please also find a picture of a smiling dinosaur, hand drawn. Unfortunately art was never my strong point, but I hope you will appreciate it. Thanks and regards, Steve Jones, Customer Adviser, Retail Customer Services.

Mr Jones may not have a future in the world of art, but his innovative customer service skills succeeded in prompting from Bill: "It’s awesome – they’ve more than made up for overcharging me." A neat ending, and another satisfied customer.

Sloe Gin: Country Phial

Lovely weather yesterday, here in Cornwall. London Acres was bathed in warm sunshine, across the meadow the blue river twinkled; peaceful silence broken only by birdsong. Time to go out.

In the nearby lane I met an elderly lady snaffling blackberries and sloes from the hedgerows. I nipped back for two carrier-bags. What better than to gather succulent fruits during an afternoon stroll around the local fields, or along the river path. Both have blackberries galore - lovely with a dollop of cream, or in a pie. But also of great interest are the sloes.

Christmas has many disadvantages, but one compensation is sloe gin. Smooth, sweet, sticky, it brings comfort, a warm fuzzy swaddling as it slips down; the loathsome period recedes. You have to know to make it, so here are some instructions.

1) Collect lots of sloe berries - don't leave it too long, get out there over the next couple of weeks or you'll find they've started to turn. Good luck with this bit if you live in Newham. In fact, good luck generally.

2) Buy two 70 cl bottles of Asda Smart-Price Gin.

3) Get two empty 70 cl screw-top spirit bottles from your friendly publican.

4) Prick each of the sloes a couple of times.

5) Fill each of the four bottles half-full with gin, and a third-full with sloes.

6) Bung in a load of sugar, but leave a bit of space at the top of each bottle.

7) Give each of the bottles a really good shake. Oh, put the tops on first - sorry.

8) Place the bottles upright in a warm place. Inspect them monthly. Add more sugar, give them a bit of a shake. Put the bottles back unsampled.

9) Christmas Day. Drink four 70 cl bottles of sloe gin. You may need a friend to help you with this bit, eventually.

Cornwall Council: Olympic Torch Masterplan

Cornwall Council's reputation with voters has skyrocketed yet again, after spare funding was revealed today for the direct benefit of local people. In times of widespread public service shortfalls and local government job losses, the Council's succeeded in showing its idiotic detractors what financial prudence is all about.

In an astonishing leap of imagination which caught critics off-guard, the Council has passed up dull opportunities merely to fix roads or provide accommodation. Instead, dovetailing current international affairs with local needs, officials have rolled out a financial plan to support the passing through Cornwall next year of the Olympic Torch.

Council tourism officer Malcolm Bellend described the post created to mastermind the scheme. "We're seeking a Project Administrator to assist the Festivals & Events Coordinator in the successful delivery of the Olympic Torch Relay through Cornwall in May 2012," he intoned. "The Project Administrator will help raise awareness of the event throughout Cornwall, while also reinforcing the county's profile nationally and internationally." Bellend declined to say whether the post would be filled by an employee from the Council’s Serco industry partner, but confirmed a total promotional budget of £135,000 has been ring-fenced for the one-day event.

Despite overwhelming local enthusiasm for the Council's carefree innovation, a few 'moaning minnies' have tried to spoil the occasion. Mid-Cornwall MP Stephen Gilbert said: “It’s bonkers for Cornwall Council to throw money around when at the same time they're hitting local projects and services with funding cuts. Instead, cash should be put into schemes which benefit our communities here.”

But the 'wet blankets', say officials, are a tiny minority; most people are setting aside fears of homelessness or unemployment and embracing the Olympics whole-heartedly. It's expected the Council will soon be revealing all the Cornish venues it's secured where Olympic events will be held.

The Council's estimated that as much as £7 million could be made from the torch's journey between Land’s End and the Tamar. However, it has yet to say whether the actual financial out-turn will be independently verified, or notified to the public. It has also to explain what the project can achieve in terms of raising awareness that relentless national media bombardment can't.

Since the torch itself will be carried nationwide, it's not as if visitors will flock to see it in Cornwall. There will be no legacy left of its progress, so no long-term or even residual benefit for Cornish people. On top of that, the £100 million central government-backed advertising campaign to lure overseas tourists to Britain has concentrated on London and south-east England; the Duchy has been snubbed.

£135,000: another waste of public money by cash-strapped Cornwall Council? You decide.

Mind Your Head

Libyan rebels have celebrated their advance into Colonel Gaddafi's former base at Tripoli by firing their guns into the air. Usually it’s the good old Russian AK-47, global automatic firearm of choice for revolutionaries. Shooting a weapon into the sky to express triumph and euphoria is popular across much of the world, particularly in 'dry' countries where you can't get pissed off your head by way of merriment. But it’s also a potentially fatal activity which regularly results in the deaths of bystanders.

After Iraq's football team had defeated Vietnam in 2007's Asia Cup, amid widespread gunshots as fans celebrated in Baghdad three people were killed. Triumphant gunfire across Kuwait at the end of the 1991 Gulf War was blamed for 20 deaths.

In 2010 three people in the Philippines died due to stray bullets fired to welcome New Year's Eve. That year too, a Turkish bridegroom killed three relatives when he loosed off an AK-47 at his wedding.

Such were the problems in Macedonia that the government there ran a poster campaign with the slogan "Bullets Are Not Greeting Cards - Celebrate Without Weapons." Ahead of New Year's Eve 2005, Serbian authorities warned their citizens that "every bullet that is fired up must come down."

Studies suggest that, although the velocity of a falling bullet is lower than that of a round which has just been fired, it’s still sufficient to be fatal. On the evidence above, more than merely a suggestion surely.

Red Arrows: With Sympathy

Two weeks ago I watched the Red Arrows giving an unforgettable air display over the Fal River in Cornwall: blue twinkly sea, a few white puffy clouds, and the most awe-inspiring aerobatic team in the business. They flew for around twenty minutes, impeccable and breath-taking as ever. But last weekend, Flt Lt Jon Egging was killed when his Hawk aircraft, Red 4, crashed during a display at Bournemouth.

It's too early to say what happened. Certainly though, Flt Lt Egging appears to have flown the aircraft away from built-up areas; he made it to open country, where he came down. At Bournemouth, two books of condolence have been opened for people to express their sympathy. Jon's widow Emma described him as "an amazing friend and husband." Today a memorial service is being held at the Red Arrows' base, RAF Scampton in Lincolnshire.

Group Captain Ian Dick flew with the Red Arrows in the 1960s and 1970s, and was team leader between 1972 and 1974. In an interview with the BBC he said there would be some people who'll now be calling for the disbanding of the Red Arrows but that "in these hard times for the UK, one should hold fast to what is good, and the Red Arrows epitomise for me, much of what is good about the UK." I'll second that.

Bird-Box Speed Camera: Council's Dilemma!

A Somerset man has put his foot down on speeding motorists by erecting this bird-box outside his home near the village of Williton.

Ian Magee was fed up with motorists breaking the 30mph speed limit on the main road. After a typically feeble response to his protests from West Somerset Council, he decided to take direct action. He created a bird-box and painted it the trademark yellow of a roadside speed trap. Nesting holes are where the camera's lens should be. The box even has its own CCTV camera alongside, to stop vandals damaging it. Mr Magee says the device has been effective in slowing traffic. “It’s convinced a lot of people. Even off-duty ambulances and police cars slow down when they see it.”

Unsurprisingly perhaps, the bird box has caused a split between local authorities. A representative of Avon and Somerset police said: “We’ve checked it out, however it’s on private land and as far as we're concerned it's not breaking any rules.”

But the same Council which was unhelpful about speeding motorists is more diligent over planning regulations; Mr Magee could be ordered to remove his bird-box. A Council spokesperson said: “This is something we are currently looking into, as we feel this kind of object requires planning permission, which it doesn't have. We also believe the box should be taken down as it's providing unnecessary clutter to the area. It's also causing rather a lot of interest, which isn't necessary, and this is something we want to stop.” Public money well-spent on such a debate? You decide.

But in a hammer-blow to the idiotic Council’s wishes, Mr Magee has reported that Pipistrelle bats have started nesting in his box. This could be a problem for anyone who wants it removed, as the bat’s a protected species.