Alcohol Price Rise: Party On!

Tories' message: no more "Drink drink drrrINK!"

Today, Home Secretary Theresa May unveils controversial plans to introduce a minimum alcohol price of 45p per unit. 

Conservative party officials say that currently, strong lager can be bought for as little as 13p a can, and a 2-litre bottle of gin for 29p. Last year too, figures claim, drink-related hospital admissions rose to 58 million.

North of the border, in Scotland a minimum price of 50p per unit has already been launched. It’s proved a popular move leading to spontaneous widespread teetotalism, while Scots are also starting to eat vegetables. 

But there’s been criticism of the plan from ugly freakish people, who claim their sex lives will decline if drink is made harder to obtain. Today too, by mid-morning coffee-time Google had logged six million searches from housewives in leafy Cheshire alone, for ‘moonshine’.

Supermarket ‘dine-in meal’ deals, which include wine, will also suffer when the hike comes in. M&S, Tesco and Sainsbury’s will all be affected. In far-flung Cornwall though, a mini-mart serving the rundown town of Camborne is fighting back. Owner Len Prole said: “This week we’re launching our £3.99 ‘Too Poor To Go Out, Ever’ eating-in dinner for two. You’ll get 20 cans of cider, some own-brand crisps and a pack of three Econodoms.  It’s great value; usually the johnnies alone are a pound a pop.”  

It’s not yet clear where the extra revenue raised by the increase will go, though the NHS is unlikely to receive any additional funding. From the House of Commons’ subsidised bar Prime Minister David Pillsbury explained: “The health service already does a fantastic job on its existing resources. In fact once no-one in Britain can afford to drink, we’ll be able to cut billions from NHS budgets. Now, trebles all round!”

 

Old People At Christmas

"I'm 84, they never come ..."

500,000 elderly people in Britain will spend Christmas alone, a survey shows. Commissioned by the charity Hello Old PEople, the study examines attitudes of the young toward older folk during the festive season.

The survey revealed most young people wouldn’t be inviting elderly relatives to their Christmas meals or parties, and would rather befriend animals than older citizens. Many didn’t have time to visit an old person, especially at Christmas. Others said they couldn’t be bothered, or had a feeling elderly folk already received enough visits.

The chief reasons for older people being abandoned, say the youngsters, are their unattractive habits. Rudeness and tutting; mania for quizzes on flags of the world; a belief their anecdotes are worthy of film rights. It’s claimed many old folk endlessly bemoan the decline of common sense in modern times, and expect reverence simply because of their age.

But some young people did make visits. A handful were religious, others doing their Duke of Edinburgh Award. The survey also revealed affluent elderly people, especially those in bad health, received frequent calls from the young. The Enduring Old People charade is a well-known Christmas game, and can be lucrative.

Davidstow Airfield and Cornwall at War Museum

Fairey Gannet at Davidstow Museum.

The Davidstow Airfield and Cornwall at War Museum looks at RAF Davidstow Moor’s history, from its opening in October 1942 until late 1945 when the base closed down. Off the A.39 east of Camelford on the old airfield itself, the museum also covers other Cornish Royal Air Force bases, the Royal Navy around the Duchy, the Army, civilian services and the wartime home front.

Current pride of place goes to a rare ex-Royal Navy Fairey Gannet electronic countermeasures aircraft from 1956. Other exhibits include pilotless target drones, the deck gun from a U-boat, a tracked Rapier missile vehicle and the cockpit section from a 1950s Vampire jet trainer. As well as Davidstow’s history, the museum explores the Fleet Air Arm, Air Transport Auxiliary and the Royal Observer Corps; taking visitors back in time too are recreated wartime shops and the Home Guard exhibition.

The airfield still has many original buildings, including its old watch-tower, blast shelters and machine-gun ranges, while it’s not widely known that Davidstow was once home to Formula One motor-racing.

Annual special events include the War Machines weekend each July, which takes in weapons displays as well as exhibitions by the Cornwall Military Vehicle Trust. Airfield tours, group and school visits are available by appointment. For further information, check out www.cornwallatwarmuseum.co.uk.  

Phillip Schofield: Boy Blunder!

Hard-hitting journalist Phillip Bryan Schofield

I’ve never much liked Phillip Schofield.  For me he’s a bland Peter Pan figure, forever appearing on insipid daytime TV. As the Independent put it: “He is as anodyne as a ceramic ornament above a fireplace, and occupies more or less the same position in most people's consciousness".

But this week, Schofield interviewed Prime Minister David Pillsbury.  The usual form would be a soft cuddly sofa chat, during which neither would break sweat. 

Instead though, live on air and wholly out of character, Schofield suddenly went all investigative. He confronted Pillsbury with a list of people he’d found mentioned online as paedophiles. Inadvertently the camera caught the names of former senior Conservative politicians on Schofield’s list, and broadcast them to 1.2 million viewers.

Pillsbury was clearly caught off-guard, but countered pretty well. Asked if he’d be speaking to the people listed, he replied that Schofield’s grilling smacked of a “witch-hunt, particularly against people who are gay." Later, a statement from Downing Street put down the anchor’s action as a “silly stunt."  The programme, This Morning, has now made a grovelling apology for Schofield’s ill-starred gaffe. 

TV trial of real people based on internet rumour, the alleged crimes truly foul, conducted by presenters who moments later will be talking recipes or pop culture. That's frightening.

Anti-Gay Priest: " I Was Only Following Holy Orders"

A mad old bigot. There, how does it feel?

A furious row has erupted after Cardinal Keith O'Brien, leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland, was named Bigot of the Year by gay rights charity Stonewall.  The church has criticised the award as “an outrage” and showing “significant lack of judgement.”

What has O’Brien done?  Recently he’s called off talks with the Scottish government over same-sex marriage, which is to be made legal. The new laws won't force churches to hold same-sex religious ceremonies. But O’Brien has compared the reform with the re-introduction of slavery, describing it as a "subversion of a universally accepted human right.”

The Cardinal’s also drawn a disgusting comparison between gay marriage and paedophilia, saying: "What if a man likes little girls? Can he adopt a little girl and then just have a little girl at home? We are working towards the destruction of any sort of moral standards.”

I have no affiliation with Stonewall, but I do have gay friends.  Some people, gay or straight, say the award will polarise and entrench opinions, others that attitudes such as O'Brien's deserve rigorous exposure. But the church’s interference in matters outside its dwindling flock, its belief in entitlement to speak for wider society, its appalling outbursts, can do it nothing but harm.  Of course I acknowledge Cardinal O’Brien’s expertise, as a Catholic priest, in the field of paedophilia. 

Ancient Cornwall: Just Do It!

Zennor quoit, West Penwith

The granite peninsula of Penwith forms Cornwall’s western tip.  By turn wild or sun-softened, the landscape varies from brooding greys to summer’s heathland radiance, and unbelievably vivid skies. Further east at the Duchy’s heart, the crags and spaces of Bodmin Moor breathe myth; hamlets and farms huddle in shallow valleys, along tiny twisting lanes. Both places are isolated and moody, but magnificent. 

It’s not just the views which captivate; the two areas watch over a wealth of ancient riches, some of Britain’s finest prehistoric stone sites. Other parts of Cornwall too have their share of monuments, thousands of years old. The great stones are a winner for walks and discovering, and inspire an emotional connection which may surprise you.

Ancient Cornwall is my latest little book for Cornish publisher Tor Mark. It’s a glimpse at the Duchy’s most spectacular ancient treasures, and the gorgeous countryside which makes exploring such an unforgettable experience.

You may meet no-one; pause to listen and often the only sound is birdsong, or the wind. But as well as the stones and scenery you’ll find wildlife: brown mottled buzzards, forever patrolling with cold all-seeing stare; perhaps a lizard at rest on warm rocks; along the path a bold stoat, sitting up with front legs waggling.

There’s no rush to see everything at once. Cornwall’s beautiful stones have stood for thousands of years; they’ll be around for a long while yet. Bask in the atmosphere whether bracing or sublime, let the elements soothe or assault you. The ancient sites are a world away from busy beaches and organised entertainments, especially in high summer. On the moors there are no ice-creams or pasties, but take a packed lunch and soak up the serenity; you’ll want for nothing.

Ancient Cornwall will be published in March of next year.

Mangling Our Sacred Language!

Weather Goddess

What’s this current linguistic vogue for stuffing extra syllables into perfectly good words?  More and more, the trait’s being adopted by TV presenters and media ‘personalities’; perhaps they’ve picked it up from Engerland’s football supporters.

This isn’t evolution of language; these aren’t new words.  Such affectation sits alongside the equally irksome upward-lilt which appeared a while ago, the ending of spoken sentences as if to say: “D'ya follow?"

So today, instead of struggling to make ends meet, we’re said to be ‘struggerling’.  People who run fast are atherletes, while gamberling is no longer what lambs do.  Those who speak in this way aren't composing poetry, nor are they always from Essex.  It sounds idiotic and often a touch self-conscious.  Please make it stop.

While we’re on the subject, TV’s weather forecasters (with one exception against whom I’ll hear nothing) now treat 'Ireland' as synonymous with 'island'. I’m sure that’ll please everyone in the nation of bogs, little people, and great filums like Von Ryan’s Daughter.

Celebrity Plummet-Off: Baumgartner v Suarez v Savile!

Which of these famous celebrities has fallen furthest over the last week?

Is it Austrian space-age sky-diver Felix Baumgartner? Well done, you raving madman. Felix is sponsored by Red Bull - what could he achieve on three cans?

Or perhaps ‘footballer’ and hilarious showman, Luis Suarez. Previously an air-diving medal-winner on Uruguayan TV game-show ‘World’s Biggest Tosser’.

Or finally, Jimmy Savile: a fall from Grace (14) was alleged in 1976. Media 'personality' Esther Rantzen has bravely spoken out about Savile's crimes, now he’s dead.

Kill Burglar Bill!

"Take that, oik!"

Following the attack on plebeian police officers by the Tory Party’s chief whip, Andrew 'Thrasher' Mitchell, today Britain’s new Justice Minister Chris Grayling has attempted to even things up.

Grayling’s carefree initiative supports the police, by allowing home owners to assault with all force at their disposal any intruder found on their premises. The move comes after several high-profile cases where householders who confronted criminals were arrested. Never again will there be a question of frightened residents having ‘over-reacted’ to a burglary, trespass, or poor people looking for odd jobs.

In toff areas across Britain, doors and windows in big houses are now being left wide-open overnight. John Lewis reports spiralling sales of gun-cabinets and kitchen machetes, while local community groups are overjoyed. 

Bunny Tuffington (84) chairs Henley Neighbourhood Watch. “Each night we’ll be placing a choice of valuable household items on the drive, with the security gates unlocked. Shouldn’t take too long to bag some council estate layabout, especially after the pubs shut.” Clutching his gleaming new Purdey shotgun, Tuffington added: “Hug a hoodie, my arse. Being potted by rate-payers is simply a chance every burglar will have to take.”

Of course, people who merely rent ‘their’ homes will be excluded from the Conservatives’ legislation, while those entering rich people’s gardens for any reason will be fair game. Intruders who live through their experience will be given a severe ticking-off and in extreme cases possibly even a small fine.

Happy hunting! 
 

It's GateGate! Andrew Mitchell v Tiresome Plebs

'Thrasher' Mitchell yesterday, and in the 
background where he should be, a pleb.

The Tory Party’s chief whip, Andrew 'Thrasher' Mitchell, has insulted police constables guarding Downing Street. 

Leaving after an arduous day’s work but refused an exit by his preferred gate, Mitchell angrily rounded on the officers, calling them “fucking plebs” and screaming at them to “learn your fucking place." 

As the tirade duly went viral, how Prime Minister David Flashman must have cringed.  At a stroke the Conservatives' real imperative has been laid bare. Flashman and his creatures govern for society’s upper reaches, ‘people like us’, not bothering with those below. This episode will haunt the Tories, the party which now openly views most of Britain’s electorate as the great unwashed. It’s a PR apocalypse, and Labour 'leader' Ed Miliband must be on his knees gibbering with gratitude. 

Now isn’t a good time to attack the police. In Manchester they have a terrible tragedy to deal with, and across the country savage budget cuts to somehow manage. Eventually, millionaire Mitchell managed to express some regret for his outburst, explaining he’d had a hard day. 

But the chief whip’s contrition was far from an ‘unreserved apology', whatever that is. Mitchell admitted the general episode but denied the abuse. His regret was more a self-justification, an arrogant sorry-lite which deceived no-one. 

It turned out Thrasher’s fraught day had included a slap-up lunchtime meal with toff friends. His outburst, by contrast, has the ring of truth, the term ‘pleb’ a typical expression someone of his age and outlook would use. Police logs confirm the rant; why would constables invent this stuff?

If I walked up to a police officer and shouted “you fucking pleb”, I’d expect some come-back. Labour is calling for an enquiry, but no doubt the episode will be brushed under the carpet as best Flashman can. Discouraged from making a fuss, the constables may be moved to other duties. But for the Tories and Andrew Mitchell life will continue much as usual, until 2015.