Waitrose: The Common Touch

Toffs' supermarket Waitrose has recently sought to grow its presence among more plebian shoppers. Launching a major effort to reach out to the nation's riff-raff, a new store's opened in Croydon, south London. Waitrose marketing professionals strove to get alongside local shoppers' minds; the advertising hoarding above is the result. The store's official opening was carried out by celebrity newsreader, Radio 4's James Naughtie.

Well done Waitrose - at last, you talk my language! Now, about your ridiculous prices ...

Charles Windsor: Urban Space-Cadet

Charles Windsor is in Cornish headlines once more. This time, he’s endangering Truro’s fragile economy by advocating the building of new housing and a giant food centre on Duchy of Cornwall land at the city's edge.

Windsor claims the project would allow local food producers to compete with supermarket giants, as well as providing much-needed accommodation. His plan would destroy a beautiful valley, and replace it with the sort of urban sprawl he supposedly abhors. Farmland which currently supports a fine dairy herd, hedgerows and trees would all be destroyed.

Despite Windsor’s claim to encourage Cornish food producers, one of the partners behind his scheme is Waitrose – the toffs’ supermarket which coincidentally stocks his own expensive Duchy Originals food products.

Waitrose would share the new food centre with a consortium, which would buy goods from local sources and sell them under a brand called the Taste of Cornwall. But the supermarket would have three quarters of the store, Taste of Cornwall merely the remainder; so much for helping local producers. The consortium’s composition is yet to be confirmed.

Truro City Council’s leading the local opposition to Windsor’s stupid notion. The Council believes shoppers would head to Waitrose, perhaps have a look at the Taste of Cornwall items and then return home without bothering to go into Truro itself. The result? An irretrievably damaged city centre, its renowned Georgian streets deserted, the farmers’ market gone, independent shops closed down.

Windsor’s previous meddling in town and country planning resulted in the appalling Poundbury development in Dorset, his dream of the perfect English village. A rag-tag collection of shoddy buildings, the pop-up wasteland has failed to establish any sense of community and is detested as self-important by residents of nearby Dorchester.

For Cornish folk who want it, a short drive from Truro there's already a food hall at the A.30 Fraddon turn-off. Selling over-priced, unnecessary items, the hall’s effete snootiness is counterpointed by its location. Thanks to a McDonalds further up the gradient, the spot’s known locally as Hamburger Hill.

Fifa: Bring a Bottle!

Beer must be sold at all venues hosting matches at the 2014 World Cup Finals in Brazil, football's world governing body, Fifa, has announced today. Finally then, octogenarian President Sepp Blatter’s able to organise a few piss-ups, though in unusual locations. After his demented statements on racism recently – I was surprised to learn he’s in fact Swiss – it seems he’s decided to chase the populist ticket. Or at least, shuffle after it.

In a statement, Fifa explained: "Alcoholic drinks are part of the World Cup, so we're going to have them. That's something we won't negotiate." This insistence is at odds with Brazilian law, which banned the sale of booze at football grounds in 2003 after increasing violence. Even Qatar’s 2022 World Cup will have visitors’ drinking zones, though to avoid infidel temptation the people who actually live there will be banned from them.

There’s a reason for this enlightened attitude. It turns out brewer Budweiser, hailing from the world’s most powerful footballing nation, is a big Fifa sponsor. But to dispel any concern over alcohol-fuelled violence there's a simple solution: serve no beer at all to Engerland fans. Everybody else who’s had a few knows how to behave.

Michael Gove: Rule Britannia!

Education Secretary Michael Gove has brushed aside Britain's dire economic difficulties to propose the public donate a new royal yacht to the Queen during this year's diamond jubilee celebrations, according to a leaked letter sent to cabinet members.

In the letter, Gove suggests Britain's economic situation could be temporarily expunged from the public consciousness through use of a distracting large-scale celebration to lift everyone's spirits. The celebration, in Gove’s mind, would be synonymous with the gift of a yacht to the grasping Windsor family. Estimates for such a vessel start at £60m.

When school budgets are being slashed, parents will be wondering how the minister came even to think of this idea. By no means is everyone in Britain an enthusiastic monarchist, and reptilian Gove has no right to ingratiate himself with the Windsors through improper use of the public purse.

The minister has sought to justify his initiative, saying: "The year ahead provides an enormous opportunity to showcase the very best of Britain." But why would this involve handing the Windsors a huge, luxuriously-appointed yacht?

Turning to absurd jingoism, Gove continues: "The diamond jubilee must not be overshadowed by the Olympic Games, but form an integral part of this great year for our country." The only possible benefit of these over-hyped games would be their dilution of the jubilee 'celebrations'.

And remember this. Even if you choose to believe Elizabeth Windsor is a wonderful woman and her husband merely an engaging eccentric, both are very elderly. Before long such a yacht would fall under the control of loathsome Charles Windsor.

Gove’s great plan sits alongside forecasts that this year the UK economy will slip back into recession, and see a further severe squeeze on living standards. It’s good to see the minister has his feet on the ground. Coming soon, arise Sir Michael?

Ready, Steady, Crook!

Chefs are in the news.

Budget TV’s dreadful Antony Worrall Thompson has apologised for shop-lifting, saying he felt ‘stupid’ and that he would seek ‘treatment’, after being caught red-handed with booze snaffled from his local Tesco supermarket at snobbish Henley-on-Thames.

Bumptious Worrall Thompson, whose career has long been eclipsed by taller people including other chefs, has expressed blubbing remorse for his thefts. He’s bewildered as to what his motives could have been, though trying to avoid paying money probably came into it.
Being nicked for stealing wine is one way of returning to the public eye, of course. Perhaps like a fallen evangelist, ritual contrition will re-launch him. But more becomes clear when we learn Worrall Thompson is the godson of legendary alcoholic and part-time actor, Richard Burton.

Meanwhile, as part of the government's Change 4 Life public health campaign, it’s reported telly chef Ainsley Harriott has helped devise a cookbook promoting healthy dishes which can be created for under £5. But watching his TV cooking programme ‘Dances with Saucepans’, now sadly axed, Harriott’s own daily diet appears to include at least twenty shots of espresso. Would you take his advice on nutrition? 

Worse, Ainsley’s branded collection of supermarket culinary delights includes quick-cook rice or cous-cous, flavoured with combinations of appalling chemicals probably sourced from ICI. I’d never eat the stuff. But I wouldn’t mind sticking a fork into one of those mad bulging eyes.

Diane Abbott's Tweet

Poor Diane Abbott. I don't agree with her political views,nor am I a trendy left-wing apologist of course, but honestly - she's a racist? Rubbish. Yesterday she made a controversial comment on Twitter, its clumsiness aggravated by being squashed into 140 characters. Cue sophistry and spin by politicians and commentators alike.

Abbott tweeted: "White people love playing 'divide & rule'. We should not play their game." The remark was a reaction to a Twitter exchange about media coverage following the Stephen Lawrence racist murder trial. Specifically, the tweet responded to journalist Bim Adewunmi; she'd complained about the use of the terms "black community" and "black community leaders" by the media. The context of Abbott's response was conveniently ignored by critics.

Today Abbott has released a statement saying: "I understand people have interpreted my comments as making generalisations about white people. I do not believe in doing that. I apologise for any offence caused." But that won't be the end of the affair; for her opponents in press and politics, there's too much self-righteous capital to be made.

No doubt those who've wailed loudest at Abbott's tweet are the people who've been least vocal at the outcome of the Laurence murder trial. In particular, the Conservative Home Blog has been lightning-quick to tell us Abbott has "deliberately provoked hatred of a racial group, and is therefore in breach of the 1986 Public Order Act". But there's nothing at all on the blog’s Newslink page for today concerning Stephen Lawrence.

Happy New Year

Another year ends. In Cornwall, for many 2011 has been a gruelling, exhausting time. Job prospects and real wages continue to drop away. Housing supplies are ever-reducing, though I see in estate agents' windows a few second homes being flogged off in St Ives or St Agnes: very helpful. Cornish folk are strong, and many live in real communities which try to look after everyone. Yet even in these close-knit societies people seem near to unravelling.

More and more I encounter a weary resignation, a battered worn-out acceptance of the next affliction or sacrifice demanded. Food and fuel price increases; public services constricting; small businesses starved of cash; the waste and disappointment of the young unemployed; elderly folk too frightened to put an extra bar on the fire. Cliche? Not any more.

Just recently it’s been the expense, for many the worry of Christmas. And all the time, cruel advertising pounds out the same message: buy stuff you clods, and be quick about it.

We’re about to enter the fourth year of recession, without an end even remotely in sight. Banks continue to prosper, everyone else is on their uppers. This is the Britain of Cameron and Clegg; it’s unbelievably harsh. I don’t know about you, but I’m almost out of Dunkirk spirit.

Goodbye Kim Jong-Il

It’s been a good year for the fall of evil men: Bin Laden, Gadaffi, and now Kim Jong-Il, ‘Dear Leader’ of North Korea. According to Radio Pyongyang the pint-sized super-villain died of overwork. Across the country synchronised blubbing has broken out among the population, especially where the regime’s cameras are rolling. That’s most places.

The weird, reclusive country was ruled by Kim for 17 years as a personal fiefdom, mixing breezy Stalinist ideology with a relentless cult of personality. Kim’s domestic management toolkit included a typical dictator's combination of absolute media control, secret police and a network of trembling informers. To help deal with international disapproval, he had nuclear bombs.

Kim was a master of propaganda and social manipulation, but he also suffered from delusional mania, profound insecurity and OCD. Here are some facts about him, as reported to the North Korean people by the country’s media.

• When Kim was born, suddenly spring broke out and a shower of rainbows appeared in the sky. Kim was the most prominent statesman in the world, and people around the globe celebrate his birthday with films and festivals.
  

• Kim invented a new sandwich called Double Bread with Meat, to provide best-quality food for Pyongyang’s university students. The dish bore a coincidental resemblance to the hated Americans’ beef burger.
  

• He was the best golfer in history, despite playing the game only once. In 1994 it was reported Kim shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course, including 11 holes in one.

• Kim’s range of menswear became a style phenomenon. The inspired look of his zippered khaki tunics with matching trousers has spread across the world, testament to his image and influence.

And here are a couple of real facts.

• Before Pyongyang’s World Festival of Youth and Students in 1989, Kim had disabled residents removed from the city. His government also distributed pamphlets advertising a wonder drug which would increase the height of short people. Those who responded to the pamphlets were banished to uninhabited islands. Kim himself was just over five feet tall and wore built-up shoes. Clue there?

• Hennessy Cognac reported that for many years Kim was its best customer, spending about £500,000 annually. In comparison, the average North Korean makes about £600 per year, and under Kim's rule millions have starved.

Recently the Dear Leader’s third son, Kim Jong-Un, was unveiled as The Great Successor. Following in dad's footsteps, already his birthday has been made a national holiday. But should the new boy fail to step up, other leadership contenders are apparently the current Minister of Finance, Han Din-Til, and Foreign Minister Sen Din-Tanx. In an uncertain world it’s reassuring to know North Korea has a stable succession plan.

Old People At Christmas

500,000 elderly people in Britain are facing the prospect of spending Christmas alone, a recent survey shows.

The charity Hello Old People commissioned the study to examine attitudes of the young toward older folk during the festive season.

The survey revealed most young people wouldn’t be inviting elderly relatives to their Christmas meals or parties, and would rather befriend animals than older citizens. Many didn’t have time to visit an old person, especially at Christmas. Others said they couldn’t be bothered, or had a feeling elderly people already received enough visits.

The chief reasons for older people being abandoned, say the youngsters, are their unattractive habits. Rudeness and tutting; mania for quizzes on flags of the world; a belief their anecdotes are worthy of film rights. It’s claimed many old folk endlessly bemoan the decline of common sense in modern times, and expect reverence simply because of their age.

But some young people did make visits. A few were religious, others doing their Duke of Edinburgh Award. The survey also revealed affluent elderly people, especially those in poor health, received frequent calls from the young. The Enduring Old People charade is a well-known Christmas game, and can be lucrative.

Tesco's Christmas Dinner Pizza: Yum Yum!

Yuletide. A traditional time to share with family, with friends, as we gather to celebrate the Christmas story. Coloured lights and carols, gifts and mistletoe all add to the magical festive fun. And Christmas is also a time to enjoy food. Beautiful food.

To help us make merry this year, 'your' Tesco, the nation's favourite superstore, has come up with a mouth-watering contemporary spin on an old favourite: the Christmas Dinner Pizza!

Tesco's treat features toppings of turkey, stuffing and little sausages as well as the usual pizza staples: mozzarella cheese and chemicals. It's rumoured a second, deluxe version will include a segment of Christmas pud.

Louise Sampson, Project Engineer for the ground-breaking corporate creation, chirped: "We set out to create a pizza for all those people who simply can’t wait until Christmas Day for a feast, and wanted a sneak taste beforehand." Louise didn't mention that from September it's been possible to visit thousands of 'carveries' across Britain, all peddling the nation's most tedious meal.

Tesco's demographic analysis, which ran alongside the pizza's development, suggested the new product will appeal to people who are unsure of how to use a knife and fork. Expect a manufacturing licence to be announced with Lidl.