Happy New Year

Another year ends. In Cornwall, for many 2011 has been a gruelling, exhausting time. Job prospects and real wages continue to drop away. Housing supplies are ever-reducing, though I see in estate agents' windows a few second homes being flogged off in St Ives or St Agnes: very helpful. Cornish folk are strong, and many live in real communities which try to look after everyone. Yet even in these close-knit societies people seem near to unravelling.

More and more I encounter a weary resignation, a battered worn-out acceptance of the next affliction or sacrifice demanded. Food and fuel price increases; public services constricting; small businesses starved of cash; the waste and disappointment of the young unemployed; elderly folk too frightened to put an extra bar on the fire. Cliche? Not any more.

Just recently it’s been the expense, for many the worry of Christmas. And all the time, cruel advertising pounds out the same message: buy stuff you clods, and be quick about it.

We’re about to enter the fourth year of recession, without an end even remotely in sight. Banks continue to prosper, everyone else is on their uppers. This is the Britain of Cameron and Clegg; it’s unbelievably harsh. I don’t know about you, but I’m almost out of Dunkirk spirit.

Goodbye Kim Jong-Il

It’s been a good year for the fall of evil men: Bin Laden, Gadaffi, and now Kim Jong-Il, ‘Dear Leader’ of North Korea. According to Radio Pyongyang the pint-sized super-villain died of overwork. Across the country synchronised blubbing has broken out among the population, especially where the regime’s cameras are rolling. That’s most places.

The weird, reclusive country was ruled by Kim for 17 years as a personal fiefdom, mixing breezy Stalinist ideology with a relentless cult of personality. Kim’s domestic management toolkit included a typical dictator's combination of absolute media control, secret police and a network of trembling informers. To help deal with international disapproval, he had nuclear bombs.

Kim was a master of propaganda and social manipulation, but he also suffered from delusional mania, profound insecurity and OCD. Here are some facts about him, as reported to the North Korean people by the country’s media.

• When Kim was born, suddenly spring broke out and a shower of rainbows appeared in the sky. Kim was the most prominent statesman in the world, and people around the globe celebrate his birthday with films and festivals.
  

• Kim invented a new sandwich called Double Bread with Meat, to provide best-quality food for Pyongyang’s university students. The dish bore a coincidental resemblance to the hated Americans’ beef burger.
  

• He was the best golfer in history, despite playing the game only once. In 1994 it was reported Kim shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course, including 11 holes in one.

• Kim’s range of menswear became a style phenomenon. The inspired look of his zippered khaki tunics with matching trousers has spread across the world, testament to his image and influence.

And here are a couple of real facts.

• Before Pyongyang’s World Festival of Youth and Students in 1989, Kim had disabled residents removed from the city. His government also distributed pamphlets advertising a wonder drug which would increase the height of short people. Those who responded to the pamphlets were banished to uninhabited islands. Kim himself was just over five feet tall and wore built-up shoes. Clue there?

• Hennessy Cognac reported that for many years Kim was its best customer, spending about £500,000 annually. In comparison, the average North Korean makes about £600 per year, and under Kim's rule millions have starved.

Recently the Dear Leader’s third son, Kim Jong-Un, was unveiled as The Great Successor. Following in dad's footsteps, already his birthday has been made a national holiday. But should the new boy fail to step up, other leadership contenders are apparently the current Minister of Finance, Han Din-Til, and Foreign Minister Sen Din-Tanx. In an uncertain world it’s reassuring to know North Korea has a stable succession plan.

Old People At Christmas

500,000 elderly people in Britain are facing the prospect of spending Christmas alone, a recent survey shows.

The charity Hello Old People commissioned the study to examine attitudes of the young toward older folk during the festive season.

The survey revealed most young people wouldn’t be inviting elderly relatives to their Christmas meals or parties, and would rather befriend animals than older citizens. Many didn’t have time to visit an old person, especially at Christmas. Others said they couldn’t be bothered, or had a feeling elderly people already received enough visits.

The chief reasons for older people being abandoned, say the youngsters, are their unattractive habits. Rudeness and tutting; mania for quizzes on flags of the world; a belief their anecdotes are worthy of film rights. It’s claimed many old folk endlessly bemoan the decline of common sense in modern times, and expect reverence simply because of their age.

But some young people did make visits. A few were religious, others doing their Duke of Edinburgh Award. The survey also revealed affluent elderly people, especially those in poor health, received frequent calls from the young. The Enduring Old People charade is a well-known Christmas game, and can be lucrative.

Tesco's Christmas Dinner Pizza: Yum Yum!

Yuletide. A traditional time to share with family, with friends, as we gather to celebrate the Christmas story. Coloured lights and carols, gifts and mistletoe all add to the magical festive fun. And Christmas is also a time to enjoy food. Beautiful food.

To help us make merry this year, 'your' Tesco, the nation's favourite superstore, has come up with a mouth-watering contemporary spin on an old favourite: the Christmas Dinner Pizza!

Tesco's treat features toppings of turkey, stuffing and little sausages as well as the usual pizza staples: mozzarella cheese and chemicals. It's rumoured a second, deluxe version will include a segment of Christmas pud.

Louise Sampson, Project Engineer for the ground-breaking corporate creation, chirped: "We set out to create a pizza for all those people who simply can’t wait until Christmas Day for a feast, and wanted a sneak taste beforehand." Louise didn't mention that from September it's been possible to visit thousands of 'carveries' across Britain, all peddling the nation's most tedious meal.

Tesco's demographic analysis, which ran alongside the pizza's development, suggested the new product will appeal to people who are unsure of how to use a knife and fork. Expect a manufacturing licence to be announced with Lidl.

Oh No - Chiles and Bleakley Lose Jobs!

After months of rumour fuelled by a handful of jealous detractors, this week ITV reluctantly made it official: Christine Bleakley and Adrian Chiles have been ditched as presenters of bedridden breakfast show Daybreak. They’ll leave before the end of the year.

The channel's reported that instead, Adrian will ‘prioritise’ his role as presenter of ITV’s live football coverage, which should ensure rival stations’ match-viewing figures stay perky. He’ll also host what’s described as a ‘topical discussion programme’, the brainless Sunday Night Show, inexplicably set to return next year for a third run.

Brand Bleakley’s been parcelled off to Dancing on Ice, which has featured such heavyweight contestants as Bobby Davro and Kerry Katona. It’s hard to believe such a show dovetails with Christine’s views on the scale of programme she’s entitled to present. She’ll also host ‘Westlife: For The Last Time’ and join ITV’s charity special ‘Text Santa’, though sadly both projects have limited long-term potential.

Since September last year, the Christine and Adrian dream team has worked tirelessly to ruin ITV’s breakfast ratings, already poor after years of idiotic marketing platform GMTV. Arriving from the BBC’s One Show for packages totalling £10m, much was made of the two’s on-screen chemistry which it was felt would boost ITV’s figures.

But Chiles’ scowling personality simply isn’t right for the breezy, cheerful world of early-morning commercial television. Equally, with her absurd permatan and enormous brassy engagement ring, toothsome Bleakley’s hardly the friendly girl-next-door type to start the day with.

Instead, as ITV’s blunt announcement made their failure a public humiliation, Christine tweeted her astonishment and distress to all her followers: "What a lovely headline to wake up to. I hope my sarcasm comes across in this tweet." Adrian said he was "angry, upset, and acutely embarrassed", a state of mind in which he seems to spend much of his time. How did it all go so wrong?

Since the announcement Daybreak’s viewing figures have actually improved; let’s hear it for viewer malice. If you want to win the breakfast television war, ITV, there’s a simple one-stop solution: pinch Carol Kirkwood.

Spot The Difference (7): Catherine Southon vs Margaret Thatcher

Being self-employed, I do no real work at all. Lunchtime begins around noon as the TV goes on for BBC's Bargain Hunt. Each armed with £300, two teams of amateur collectors visit an antiques fair to acquire the best buys they can, which are later auctioned; who'll make the most lolly? Presented by hilarious eccentric Tim Wannacock, it's a surefire winner before my changeover to ITV3 for the rest of the afternoon.

Today, I noticed a startling similarity between Wannacock's pretty co-presenter and a much-loved British political figure from the past.

(1) Adored control-freak Margaret Thatcher, who presided over Britain's happiest days of the twentieth century and possibly, ever.











(2) Cool and yummy antiques babe Catherine Southon. Sorry Margaret, curvy Cath would get my vote every time!

News International: Please Don't Hurt Us

Through its reptilian lawyers, News International has told the High Court that celebrities, politicians and victims of crime currently suing over phone-hacking mustn't be allowed to conduct a witch-hunt. Numerous well-known figures including Jude Law and Labour MP Chris Bryant, as well as members of the public including Sheila Henry, whose son was killed in the 7/7 bombings, have brought actions against NI for breach of privacy.

A News International legal representative is reported to have said: "it is not appropriate … for claimants to begin a crusade. The proceedings must not be conducted as a witch-hunt against my client."

Cruelly-injured NI is the concern which allegedly hacked phones belonging to the parents of murdered Soham schoolgirls Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. Further targets for NI's staff have apparently included families of service personnel who died in Iraq and Afghanistan. NI also acquired the medical records of Gordon Brown's disabled son. Brown said of the episode: "They told me they had a story about Fraser's medical condition - I was in tears but there was nothing I could do."

Among the most terrible of the alleged crimes is the hacking of Milly Dowler's cellphone. The 13-year-old vanished in 2002 and was later found murdered. Before her body had been discovered NI reporters hacked into her voicemails, deleting some to ensure space for any new messages which might arrive. But the changes, detected on the missing phone by police, were interpreted as suggesting Milly could still be alive. Through its ghastly interference, what false hopes did NI raise in the Dowler family?

Two wrongs don't make a right, but in the context of a dispassionate trial for News International it's barely possible to hold that thought. Meanwhile, so desperate has its standing become that NI is considering running a series of newspaper crusades for society's greater good. Perhaps they should start with an anti-drugs campaign, since News International knows all there is to know about selling shit.

From Our Religeous Correspondent

Bookseller W H Smith has pulled off the publishing coup of the week. Seen in its stores recently, the book to the left.

Opinion is divided as to the Bible's author, with most people who expressed an interest believing it was compiled by a holy ghost-writer. This latest edition of the Good Book contains an appendix recalling the loving achievements of Christians throughout the ages, beginning with the Reformation.

On other religeous themes, please be aware that tonight's BBC TV programme Songs of Praise contains strong language, and scenes of a sexual nature.

Duchy of Cornwall: All-Change For Charles Windsor

Prince Charles, or more correctly Charles Windsor, must be hopping mad. Information Tribunal judges have ruled that his personal cash-cow, the Duchy of Cornwall, is a "public authority". The Duchy estate, which owns large swathes of land across Cornwall and elsewhere, has been obliged by the ruling to disclose environmental data under the Freedom of Information Act.

The judgement undermines 700 years of the Duchy as the heir to the throne's feudal domain, and may lead to wide-reaching consequences for Windsor and his affairs. Making the Duchy subject to Environmental Information Regulations (EIR), which are part of the FoI regime, could also be a step toward revealing details of Windsor's newly-exposed penchant for vetoing Parliamentary bills affecting his financial interests.

Recently the FoI Act was amended to exempt the Monarch and the first two royals in line to the throne. However, that doesn't apply to environmental legislation such as EIRs, which are subject to a public interest test. Father-of-one Windsor and his advisors had maintained the Duchy isn't a public authority under EIR, and so didn't have to respond to the request for data. Sadly the judges have pronounced otherwise.

Great Little Railways of Cornwall

My new book, 'Great Little Railways of Cornwall', is complete in draft. Written for Cornish publisher Truran, it will be out next March.

Since ‘Captain Dick’ Trevithick’s black Puffing Devil clanked up Camborne Hill on Christmas Eve 1801, Cornwall’s had a close association with steam transport. During Victorian times railways flourished and a web of routes spread across the Duchy, connecting towns, villages and a shoal of tiny halts. Today, though a great deal’s changed, nostalgic reminders of Cornish steam travel are still with us. Four lines survive, the locomotives and their guardians keeping former times alive and providing enjoyable days out for everyone.

Scenic rail travel too has survived in Cornwall, despite the cuts of the 1960s. Rural areas were widely affected; Cornish closures included parts of the North Cornwall Railway and the West Cornwall Railway. Today though, across the Duchy five scenic branch lines run by operator First Great Western meander through wonderful countryside, well away from the bustle of main-line services; they offer great trips, often to places you might otherwise overlook.

As usual Truran have been darlings, which helps. They work closely with their authors and once again it’s been a joy.