Miliband To Lead Labour

In a sledge-hammer victory today, Glen Miliband has swept to power as new leader of the Labour Party. Glen's plucky brother David also ran in the leadership contest along with three other no-hopers, but the result was never in doubt; a ringing endorsement for the younger man by a landslide voting margin of 0.00002%. Jubilant Labour supporters clapped hesitantly as the news was announced at the party's annual conference.

The results were revealed in alphabetical order, starting with Diane Abbott, the Hackney North and Stoke Newington MP and the only woman in the race, followed by Ed Balls and Andy Burnham, and finally the two Milibands – David, then Glen. How fortuitous that the comic element came first, and that the announcement climaxed with the final candidate's win; will the fourth estate root out a conspiracy?

Throughout his leadership campaign Glen presented himself as the change candidate, who if elected would end the era of Bliar and Chuckles. On the other hand, brother David was once a follower of Bliar and later Rasputin's glove-puppet: a Continuity candidate. One of his principal allies in the leadership race was Alastair Campbell. Could those associations possibly have contributed to his downfall?

During the campaign Glen prudently distanced himself from Bliar, referring to him as 'Little Brown Jug-Ears'. But among his chief backers are the trade unions. Tony Woodley, joint leader of the Unite union, said of the result: "His victory is a clear sign that the party wants change, to move on from New Labour and reconnect with working people." Back to Labour's reliance on the beer-and-skittles brigade then, together with the inevitable left-wing hostage politics. See how far the party has come; Prescott for deputy leader?