Margaret Thatcher 'Not Dead'

Baroness Thatcher has been admitted to hospital. The much-loved 85-year-old former Conservative Prime Minister entered the private Cromwell Hospital in west London yesterday for precautionary tests, as she'd been feeling 'groggy'. Outside the hospital huge crowds waited in torrential rain, anxious for news of the revered control-freak's progress.

According to son Mark, Baroness Thatcher is likely to stay in for a couple of days. But who can really say? It's well-known that sadly, her faculties are now much diminished. To the disappointment of millions she no longer speaks in public.

Thatcher (in hospital bed): "I used to be Prime Minister you know, dear."

Nurse: Of course you did Margaret. Now, arms up."