William and Kate: A Nation Rejoices

Yesterday the joyful news came through. Britain's favourite sweethearts Prince William and Kate Middleton are to marry. The world's most eligible bachelor and his beautiful bride-to-be announced their engagement, as across the nation millions spontaneously cheered and threw their hats in the air. So much for Broken Britain!

Prime Minister David Pillsbury said the engagement marked "a great day for our country". He said he'd received the news in a call from Buckingham Palace during a cabinet meeting, and it had been greeted with "a great cheer" and "banging of the table" from fellow ministers. How like the Tories. Labour leader Glen Milliband, also sensitive to the mood of the people, said: "The whole country will be wishing them every happiness."

The day of the wedding will be marked with a public holiday for those still working, while the unemployed will be put to organising lovely parties enabling everyone to forget their problems. Since public services are being cut, welfare payments slashed and the armed forces axed, thankfully we can afford to spend the savings on priorities like a royal wedding!

It's certainly a big step up for lucky Kate, whose parents run a small mail-order party-planning business. Whether their little company nets a slice of the wedding action remains to be seen. William said he'd been "torn between asking Kate's dad first, and the realization that if I did that, he might say no!" Wills' heart must have been in his mouth.

The Prince of Wales has generously agreed to contribute his own money towards the cost of the wedding. Charles' donation will be taken from his income received from the Duchy of Cornwall's grateful residents, currently estimated at abrillion pounds a year.

Already, souvenir-makers are working feverishly, mindful that memorabilia of previous royal nuptials inexplicably remains sought-after by mad collectors. Plates and mugs - similar to those produced for the fairytale wedding of William's father to Lady Diana Spencer - have been rushed onto the market. All items will be made here in the UK, to ensure a record growth in British industry.

By the by, when Charles and his life-time mistress Camilla eventually married, among the most popular mementos was a fine bone china mug, featuring two entwined letter Cs.