David Chaytor Goes To Prison

Ex-Labour MP David Chaytor has been jailed for eighteen months, found guilty of a particularly nasty expenses scam. Over a two-year period, the former honourable member for Bury North fiddled more than £22,000 using false claims and bogus documents. This loathsome man used his own daughter to unwittingly assist his dishonesty. His mother too was persuaded to co-operate, relatively easy since she suffers from dementia.

In court Chaytor blubbed and begged for mercy, but to no avail. In a sense though, his objective in stealing the money has been met. Chaytor sought a second home on the public purse, and now he's got one. In prison he'll be treated as just another lag: no privileges, a shared cell, daily trips to the communal showers. Sleep well Mr Chaytor, and don't let the soap slip from your hands.

Chaytor was already suspended from the Labour Party and following the verdict was instantly excluded. However, a House of Commons spokesman said it had not yet been decided whether he'd still qualify for a £54,000-plus taxpayer-funded ‘golden goodbye’ payment for exiting Parliament – designed to ease the blow for MPs who lose their seats.

Next up before the beak for fiddling is obese Elliot Morley, beloved of all Cornish people after his tenure as MAFF Parliamentary Secretary. Over the past few months Morley has wriggled and squirmed in the most undignified way, claiming immunity from trial under parliamentary privilege. In his efforts to evade prosecution he's appealed to the highest court in the land, a process for which he's sought legal aid. But satisfyingly, all these endeavours have proved unsuccessful.

And which constituency did Morley once represent? Scunthorpe. Close, but no cigar.