Barclays Scandal: Bob Diamond Clears Up Everything!

Diamond: "Ask me no questions."

There’s been widespread horror and revulsion across the British banking industry, following the resignation of Barclays’ chairman Marcus Agius in the wake of the LIBOR fixing scandal. As pressure grows for a criminal investigation, the debacle has wiped billions off Barclays’ share price.

City insiders believe the resignation will prove an isolated incident. Industry executive Bunny Tuffington-Smythe, speaking today from his Wimbledon hospitality suite, explained: “It seems poor Agius suffered with outmoded business attitudes such as ‘taking responsibility’, and ‘doing the right thing’. You won’t find such claptrap has infected modern banking methods, thank God. Now, trebles all round!”

Barclays has been fined £290m for systemic misconduct, but Chief Executive Bob Diamond will keep his current role. “Honestly, pay-offs for senior bankers who resign always reach 7-figure sums,” he explained, “so by staying on it’s good for Barclays, good for Britain, and good for me. And anyway, why waste a perfectly good human shield?”

Sir Bob – who’s earned £100m from Barclays since 2006 and ran the division where the transgressions took place – will forfeit this year's bonus payment but remains in line for multi-million pound share payouts. Meanwhile, to reassure customers and more importantly the Serious Fraud Office over future conduct, Lord Geezer's announced plans for a new Director of Probity to join Barclays' board. Leading the shortlist of candidates is a current senior executive from the bank’s Asian arm, Mr Han Din Til.