South Yorks Police Investigate Body!

PC Mason: no 'wrong-doing'.

Experts from South Yorkshire Police Force have been brought in to help investigate a body found recently in a city-centre car park. The corpse is believed to be that of fifteenth-century monarch, King Richard III.

South Yorkshire spokesman PC Norman Mason said last night: “There’s strong evidence to suggest the body is that of Richard, who we're certain was born in Liverpool. Our forensic tests have confirmed beyond doubt that at the time he died, the man had drunk several cans of strong lager and had been fighting.” 

Asked to comment on the corpse’s apparent spinal deformity, Mason said: “Police files show Richard was suspected of falsely claiming disability benefits over several hundred years.”

Numerous items found near the body are being treating as stolen property, including a sword, a jewelled crown and a sovereign ring. “Our investigating officers’ written records are all completely consistent in their findings,” explained Mason. “It’s clear Richard had purloined the items, probably from a frail pensioner. We’ve also checked on whether the accused had a criminal record, and now he has.”          

But Liverpool resident Doris Scally (78), a descendent of Richard who lives in the city’s popular Toxteth area, believes the police may have made things up. “Our Rich hated fighting. The whole Battle of Bosworth could have passed off peacefully if the bizzies had done their job. It’s the biggest cover-up in history, including Derek Hatton’s expenses muddle.” 

Bosworth, fought in 1485 between teams from York and Lancaster, claimed several thousand lives including the King's.  But PC Mason insisted: “We did nothing wrong.”

Richard III can't be named for legal reasons.