Kill Burglar Bill!

"Take that, oik!"

Following the attack on plebeian police officers by the Tory Party’s chief whip, Andrew 'Thrasher' Mitchell, today Britain’s new Justice Minister Chris Grayling has attempted to even things up.

Grayling’s carefree initiative supports the police, by allowing home owners to assault with all force at their disposal any intruder found on their premises. The move comes after several high-profile cases where householders who confronted criminals were arrested. Never again will there be a question of frightened residents having ‘over-reacted’ to a burglary, trespass, or poor people looking for odd jobs.

In toff areas across Britain, doors and windows in big houses are now being left wide-open overnight. John Lewis reports spiralling sales of gun-cabinets and kitchen machetes, while local community groups are overjoyed. 

Bunny Tuffington (84) chairs Henley Neighbourhood Watch. “Each night we’ll be placing a choice of valuable household items on the drive, with the security gates unlocked. Shouldn’t take too long to bag some council estate layabout, especially after the pubs shut.” Clutching his gleaming new Purdey shotgun, Tuffington added: “Hug a hoodie, my arse. Being potted by rate-payers is simply a chance every burglar will have to take.”

Of course, people who merely rent ‘their’ homes will be excluded from the Conservatives’ legislation, while those entering rich people’s gardens for any reason will be fair game. Intruders who live through their experience will be given a severe ticking-off and in extreme cases possibly even a small fine.

Happy hunting!