Royal Wedding: The Climax

It was described by joyous crowds of a few old women as the most memorable nationwide community event since VE Day. In Cornwall, at several half-hearted street celebrations people wore stupid patriotic costume and spoke to neighbours they'd never much liked, as the Duchy commemorated the century's greatest occasion: yesterday's royal wedding.

During the glorious pageantry of the service at Westminster Abbey, Cornwall's streets were deserted as thousands of people tuned in to view the snooker finals. The handful who watched the royal ceremony admired Kate's white dress, her swain's boyish grin, and Prince Charles' lusty singing of the national anthem as he mumbled "Long live our noble Queen." It was also noticed that as Wills and Kate recited their wedding vows, the panning cameras politely avoided Charles and Camilla.

Bride and groom sealed their love with kisses on Buckingham Palace's balcony, and left their reception in Prince Charles' Aston Martin. The car was decked out with red, white and blue ribbons, balloons tied to the back, and a rear number plate which read "JU5T WED", all thanks to the crazy antics of best man Prince Harry. Well, at least there were no swastikas this time!

Across the nation, as people realised the interminable fuss was finally over, grateful partying began. In Cornwall, the Duchy Sausage Company's celebration bangers produced in William's honour were dutifully eaten by revellers, despite being twice the price of ordinary snorkers. Even in run-down areas pubs held wedding-themed events, and putting aside fears of unemployment and homelessness several Cornish drinkers gamely toasted the royal couple.

At well-to-do St Mawes meanwhile, more than six people gathered at the Yacht Club where they meet each week. Commodore 'Bunnie' Tuffington-Smythe said: "These events help bring the wider community together and break down social barriers, but it's a temporary phenomenon thank God. Now, trebles all round!"

In the snug of the Dog and Spanner at Camborne, mother-of-five Tracey Island slurred weepily: "Didn't William look handsome? But if only Diana had been there." Her friend Dawn Syndrome was too drunk to comment sensibly but indicated that on most days she'd have been pissed by mid-afternoon anyway.