The Queen, Elizabeth Windsor, has expressed concern that her family’s widely felt to be out of touch with ordinary British people. Through a statement dictated to her private secretary at Buckingham Palace and issued on swan-skin vellum through her press office, she's insisted the royals are just like any other family. Several are out-of-work and living on state handouts, others are unemployable or senile. At least one is gay but reluctant to come out, while infidelity, divorce, pointless partying and binge-drinking are all rife. Mrs Windsor’s said to be “satisfied” that her family’s behaviour completely reflects contemporary British values.
Recently too William and Kate Windsor received £2,000 compensation, following a failure of the in-flight entertainment system during their return from the United States. To spare impoverished British taxpayers millions of pounds W an' K had vowed to fly with a commercial airline, but were distraught when they “weren’t able to watch any films at all.” To make amends, toadying British Airways hurriedly showered the fairytale couple with complimentary duty-free vouchers. Other passengers were compensated with reduced-price cheese sandwiches.
Meanwhile Charles Windsor, whose unearned allowances have just been greatly increased, has visited an air base to see step-son Harry. Adopted ‘Captain Wales’ is learning to fly the Army Air Corps’ Apache helicopter, though it’s admitted he won’t be involved in any combat missions. Since the Apache’s only used for front-line duties his training's pointless, though as Harry giggled: “Saying you’re a helicopter pilot’s pretty flash when you’re pulling the birds!”
The plucky lad, anxious to prove himself to Uncle Charles, took the Prince for a short spin in his state-of-the-art machine. Afterwards Windsor, himself a rotary-wing pilot who trained in the sixties, grinned ruefully and said: “My chopper skills are well past their sell-by-date. Today the helicopters I flew would be considered hopeless anachronisms, out-of-date relics undeserving of … oh, wait a minute …”