Friday, 24 August 2012

Prince Harry Has A Great Laugh!

Half-royal, half-squaddie; just when you think he's grown up, Prince Harry enlivens our lives with more crazy antics.  This time he’s given up the Nazi uniform for no clothes at all!  On holiday in Las Vegas, the young Prince has been photographed cavorting naked in a sleazy hotel room, covering his genitals with his hands while a nude woman hides behind his back.

At first, fearful of Leveson, the British press delayed publishing the leaked photographs.  Instead, yesterday the Sun ‘newspaper’ created a mock-up image of the likely scene; a journalist stood in as royal body double, and a handy naked woman was placed behind.  The girl in question happened to be a passing intern who was persuaded to strip, rather than one of the Sun’s bevy of topless beauties.

Today though the Sun published the real photographs, a move it claimed was somehow in the public interest as well as a test of Britain's free press. Harry, who's been anxious to distance himself from his image as an insubstantial playboy, was said to have giggled over the episode before leaving for a happy-hour session on the public purse.

Meanwhile the Prince’s stepfather, Charles Windsor, was keen to establish the identity of the lady in the case, saying: "I suppose Harry will have to marry the bloody girl.”  Step-grandfather Philip wasn’t available for comment; an aide explained he’d been called away at short notice to his gun cabinet. 

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Olympic Champion Nicola Adams - You're Amazing!

Well done Nicola Virginia Adams, winner of the first ever women's Olympic Boxing gold medal.  The Leeds flyweight boxed brilliantly from the opening moments to the last in her 16-7 title-winning fight, and received the verdict with a grin which threatened to cut her head in half; meanwhile, the crowd went absolutely bonkers.

Nicola began boxing at the age of 12, her heroes Sugar Ray Leonard and Muhammad Ali.  Now, she's a world champion herself.  And she's gorgeous too!

Monday, 6 August 2012

Olympic Tennis: Andy Murray v Jimmy Carr!

Olympic finals: Carr v Murray
Unexpectedly, it’s emerged entertainer Jimmy Carr is good at tennis.  Yesterday in the Olympic finals he gave Andy Murray a great match, before the carefree Scot finally triumphed. Jimmy represented Switzerland, where he hides all his money.

For the game, a loopy 'carnival-day' voice was adopted by BBC’s commentator. The crowd cheered and sang, millions tuned in: what fun! Finally though, Jimmy’s lack of match fitness showed – he has a second career as an impressionist – as plucky underdog Murray battled through to win 6-0, 6-0, and 6-0.

With cheers ringing out across the stadium Murray received his gold Olympic winner’s medal, and a certificate of temporary British citizenship.  Meanwhile, Jimmy’s silver medal consolation will join his heaps of tax-dodged wonga in a Swiss bank vault.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Ennis, Farah, Rutherford: Britain's Olympic Heroes

At London’s Olympic Games last night, Britain won three gold medals. During the evening, watching became an emotional experience. I don’t know how many millions the broadcasts pulled in but I’m certain that for many of us, there were a few tears.

By the end of the night Britain had three more champions. A mixed-race woman from Sheffield won the gold medal in the heptathlon. A red-headed athlete born in Milton Keynes became the first British man in half a century to win the long jump. A man of Somali origin, who arrived here as a war refugee aged 8, fulfilled his dream of achieving gold in the 10,000 metres.  It was a truly joyous occasion, the best time, unarguably, in the long history of British athletics.

Meanwhile, the Games' opening ceremony had been attacked by lonely Tory MP Aidan Burley for its multicultural emphasis. Following his outburst Burley was sacked; last night he must have been vomiting down his toilet, which is where he belongs.

As the evening drew to a close, before the presentation of medals the huge crowd in the Olympic Stadium sang ‘All You Need Is Love’. It was an astonishing night, but perhaps that rainbow moment was the most powerful event of all.