Humperdinck To Carry Britain's Eurovision Hopes!

Britain, so often humiliated by feeble performances at the Eurovision Song Contest, has revealed its plan for victory at this year’s competition in Azerbaijan. Delivering a well-deserved slap in the face for British youth, the BBC's proudly announced grandfather-of-nine Englebert Humperdinck will perform at Baku in May.

Housewives’ favourite Humperdinck, 84, last had a UK hit in 1932. He’s thrilled at the opportunity, according to a statement released through his nurse. The aged balladeer’s film-star looks and sexy style will draw votes from drooling old women everywhere; it’s a tremendous scoop for Eurovision, already a programme rarely bettered in the field of light entertainment.

During a glittering career Humperdinck, whose imitators included Elvis Presley, has won many prestigious music awards including freedom of the city of Leicester. He’ll become the oldest singer ever to enter Eurovision, taking over from 75 year-old Croatian Ladislav Demeterffy who performed in 2008 and came last, sadly dying on stage.

Since only a complete idiot would take seriously any form of European institution, sending Humperdinck to Eurosong is inspired. Britain’s currently unpopular on the continent and it’s a good opportunity to stick two fingers up at them all. Once again though Susan Boyle and Bruce Forsyth have been cruelly overlooked; time for a supergroup, perhaps. But for now, good luck Englebert!