Manchester City Win Premiership!

Ferguson - disappointment for the Old Master

The streets of Abu Dhabi were awash with coffee last night, as celebrations broke out following news that the United Arab Emirates' best-known football club, Manchester City, had become champions of Engerland.  

Several “quite interested” UAE citizens stayed up late enjoying the moment while the club’s owner, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan, shrugged and went off to do another business deal.  City, currently on loan to Engerland’s Football Premiership, are the first foreign team to win the coveted title.  

Backed by billions of petro-pounds, during this year’s campaign the club has pursued a shrewd line of attack by buying all the world’s best players.  City's team has been criticised as merely an expensively-assembled plaything for someone with more money than sense, but detractors have been confounded by their results. This season, popular rivals Manchester United have been pushed into second place.  

Yesterday the Sky Blues clinched the Premiership title, beating lowly Queens Park Rangers by a crushing one-goal margin.  Manager Roberto Mancini, recently returned from sitting his GCSE English examination, explained: “My players feel no sense of pride in joining a great club, they have no appreciation of tradition or substance.  They’re just a loose gang of hired guns going where the money’s best, so they can play without responsibility or fear of failure.  That way, we’ll win everything.” 

Following the City result, defeated United boss Sir Alex Ferguson (89) vowed to fly to the Middle East to negotiate a club buy-in with some insanely rich backer.  Shamed Ferguson (98) slurred: “Bastards, fuckers, I’ll take youse all on,” as an aide intervened to help the frail figure to his second bottle of the afternoon.  Other changes to boost Old Trafford’s fortunes will see a new kit design released every day, while Fergie insists several squad members who’ve failed to deliver will be sold off including Andre Marriner, Mark Clattenburg and Howard Webb.

United’s supporters, the famous ‘Red Army’, must view their season as paradoxical.  The Fergie Minutes rule, introduced by the FA after years of pressure from the Premiership’s old master, allowed arch-rivals City to snaffle the title by scoring against QPR in the fifth minute of extra time.  Ah well, it’s only a game.