Tuesday, 25 September 2012

It's GateGate! Andrew Mitchell v Tiresome Plebs

'Thrasher' Mitchell yesterday, and in the 
background where he should be, a pleb.
The Tory Party’s chief whip, Andrew 'Thrasher' Mitchell, has insulted police constables guarding Downing Street. 

Leaving after an arduous day’s work but refused an exit by his preferred gate, Mitchell angrily rounded on the officers, calling them “fucking plebs” and screaming at them to “learn your fucking place." 

As the tirade duly went viral, how Prime Minister David Flashman must have cringed.  At a stroke the Conservatives' real imperative has been laid bare. Flashman and his creatures govern for society’s upper reaches, ‘people like us’, not bothering with those below. This episode will haunt the Tories, the party which now openly views most of Britain’s electorate as the great unwashed. It’s a PR apocalypse, and Labour 'leader' Ed Miliband must be on his knees gibbering with gratitude. 

Now isn’t a good time to attack the police. In Manchester they have a terrible tragedy to deal with, and across the country savage budget cuts to somehow manage. Eventually, millionaire Mitchell managed to express some regret for his outburst, explaining he’d had a hard day. 

But the chief whip’s contrition was far from an ‘unreserved apology', whatever that is. Mitchell admitted the general episode but denied the abuse. His regret was more a self-justification, an arrogant sorry-lite which deceived no-one. 

It turned out Thrasher’s fraught day had included a slap-up lunchtime meal with toff friends. His outburst, by contrast, has the ring of truth, the term ‘pleb’ a typical expression someone of his age and outlook would use. Police logs confirm the rant; why would constables invent this stuff?

If I walked up to a police officer and shouted “you fucking pleb”, I’d expect some come-back. Labour is calling for an enquiry, but no doubt the episode will be brushed under the carpet as best Flashman can. Discouraged from making a fuss, the constables may be moved to other duties. But for the Tories and Andrew Mitchell life will continue much as usual, until 2015.

Friday, 14 September 2012

South Yorks Police Investigate Body!

PC Mason: no 'wrong-doing'.

Experts from South Yorkshire Police Force have been brought in to help investigate a body found recently in a city-centre car park. The corpse is believed to be that of fifteenth-century monarch, King Richard III.

South Yorkshire spokesman PC Norman Mason said last night: “There’s strong evidence to suggest the body is that of Richard, who we're certain was born in Liverpool. Our forensic tests have confirmed beyond doubt that at the time he died, the man had drunk several cans of strong lager and had been fighting.” 

Asked to comment on the corpse’s apparent spinal deformity, Mason said: “Police files show Richard was suspected of falsely claiming disability benefits over several hundred years.”

Numerous items found near the body are being treating as stolen property, including a sword, a jewelled crown and a sovereign ring. “Our investigating officers’ written records are all completely consistent in their findings,” explained Mason. “It’s clear Richard had purloined the items, probably from a frail pensioner. We’ve also checked on whether the accused had a criminal record, and now he has.”          

But Liverpool resident Doris Scally (78), a descendent of Richard who lives in the city’s popular Toxteth area, believes the police may have made things up. “Our Rich hated fighting. The whole Battle of Bosworth could have passed off peacefully if the bizzies had done their job. It’s the biggest cover-up in history, including Derek Hatton’s expenses muddle.” 

Bosworth, fought in 1485 between teams from York and Lancaster, claimed several thousand lives including the King's.  But PC Mason insisted: “We did nothing wrong.”

Richard III can't be named for legal reasons. 

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Pillsbury Reshuffle: Idiot Replaced By Bellend!

In today's Cabinet reshuffle, Prime Minister David Pillsbury has inexplicably sacked popular Minister of Health Andrew Lansley. Under Mr Lansley's tenure the NHS has received repeated hammer-blows to reduce its service, and drive sick people toward private health. Lansley is a strong supporter of Neo-Darwinism, his views embraced by the Tories as reflecting a sadly unavoidable need for cost-cutting to the bone.

Replacing Mr Lansley is former Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt, the man who colluded with Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation when the company was trying to buy broadcaster BSkyB. Handily for his new duties Hunt believes in the power of homeopathy, which has been dismissed by a handful of prejudiced detractors as "unscientific bollocks". In a statement, the minister denied his aim is to reduce all NHS hospitals to portacabins staffed by children on work-experience schemes.

Meanwhile a spokesperson for News Corp has refused to confirm viral rumours that Murdoch will now be moving into the healthcare business. But thanks to BBC Radio 4's James Naughty, at least the incoming Health Minister has a suitable nick-name to help him in learning parts of the body.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Lucky Cornwall Gets New Hospital!

In a surprise move today, Cornwall’s much-loved medical service provider Serco Ltd has confounded its few critics by announcing the opening of a brand-new health facility for the people of West Penwith. 

Serco spokesperson Kelvin Slavery said: “We’re delighted to confirm another addition to our leading-edge healthcare services for you Cornish. The opening of the Mên an Tol Cottage Hospital demonstrates yet again the innovation and originality of the Serco brand. You’d have to be mad to believe there’s any better, cheaper solution to the medical needs of residents across West Penwith, including er St Austell.”

The hospital’s ground-breaking ‘medicine portal’ is currently being commissioned. Serco workers have laid new turf around the portal’s base, to remove muddy puddles and provide an enhanced hospital experience for patients.

Cornwall Council too is thrilled. During an on-site visit, Council spokesperson Kelvin Slavery said: “We’re delighted to confirm another addition to our leading-edge healthcare services for you Cornish. The opening of the Mên an Tol Cottage Hospital demonstrates yet again the innovation and originality of the Serco brand. Right, through you go, let’s test this mutha!”