Oh No! BLP In Disarray

Nick 'Camel-Toe' Griffin could face a challenge as leader of the British Lunatic Party, following his recent performance on the BBC's Question Time. Critics within his 'party' say he fluffed the chance to make the case for nationalism to the British people, and are set to hold a meeting in a plot to topple him. "We're determined to get rid of him," a BLP member grunted from a pub skittle alley in Burnley.

The location and timing of the gathering are being kept secret because of fears that Camel-Toe could seek to have members who attend expelled. But apparently it's being organised by people linked to the so-called Reform Group of the BLP. They are said to support a new governing structure for the 'party', a committee, possibly chaired by loathsome former skinhead Chris 'Jack-Off' Jackson.

A number of BLP members have posted (anonymous) damning comments on fascist websites. One dribbled: "A lot of people will still not know what nationalism is about. From that point of view he fluffed it." Nearly a third of a hundred lunatics surveyed on a certain white extremist website, called on 'Mr Griffin' to stand down after his BBC performance.

Under the terms of its charter the BBC was obliged to give Camel-Toe a slot (as it were) on Question Time. Who could have forseen any form of positive outcome from the broadcast? But subsequently we witness crumbling, disarray, in-fighting among the BLP leadership. Go on: press the red button.

Song For Gordon

Gordon Brown, PM at last
Takes us down, into the Doldrums
No sense of fun
Dour and glum
Always a frown
With Gordon Brown

Every time, just like the last
Lies and spin echo the Blair years
Loves the EU
Freemason too
Always a frown
With Gordon Brown

Doo be doo
Be doo be doo
Be doo be doo
Be doo doo doo doo

Doo be doo
Be doo be doo
Be doo be doo
Be doo doo doo doo

Gordon Brown, not long to go
Billions lost, let the banks cheat us
Throughout the years
Crocodile tears
Financial clown
That's Gordon Brown

From an idea by Hugh Cornwell.

Fat Of The Land

Britain's population is the fattest in Europe. In Britain, 24% of the people are medically obese. Yet every day we throw away millions of tons of food. Do fat people come out at night and eat from bins?

Scotland is the worst affected area, where fatties flourish most. You have to wonder what they'd be like up there without all that heroin. Recently I was queuing in a fast food emporium in Perth. The guy in front asked for a 'burger mate, nay shite.' This meant, 'I'll forego the salad garnish, tomato, lettuce and so on thanks, just give me the processed-flour bun and the black rubber thing in the middle.' In Scotland, five-a-day is for the entire country rather than for each person.

Junk food isn't good, it's poison. You can't just exercise it away. It takes four hours to run off a bag of chips, and that's not including stops for snacks. Yet we continue to buy terrible processed food from places such as Iceland and Aldi. Surely not everyone in Britain is poor and too lazy to cook?

Of course, fat people are easy targets. Literally. But it's hard to believe that dietary common-sense has so completely gone out of the window. The odd apple instead of the usual meat pie in batter. A little less crap food, a little less blubber. And that replica sports kit will start to actually look quite good. Well, no it won't. But you get my drift.

Snail Wail

Adam Crozier, chief executive of Royal Mail, has set the scene for tense talks with leaders of the Communications Workers' Union. Today he called on them to 'shut up' and stop making 'nonsensical' claims about the effects their current strike is having on postal delays and backlogs. He wants to get back to the negotiating table and reach an agreement.

Well he might. Crozier is ex-chief of the Football Association, and before that Saatchi and Saatchi. He has more practical experience of tough business decisions than the flat-cap brigade on the other side of the picket fence will ever amass, or even begin to appreciate.

The Daily Mirror has recently drawn the attention of its er readers to Crozier's '£2 million home in leafy Surrey', to his £1.3 million-a-year salary, and to his Jaguar. Yet Crozier and his management team have to face Billy Hayes and Dave Ward, officials of the CWU whose views sound like a third-rate replay of newsclips from the 1970s winter of discontent. Crozier earns his money. Today, how many electronic options are there to posting a letter? This strike will do tremendous, perhaps terminal damage to Royal Mail.

In a short-lived, disastrous rebranding exercise, for sixteen months over 2001 and 2002 our national postal service became known as Consignia, before adopting its current title. Maybe it should revert to its previous name; have a look at the old logo above. Is it a plughole?

One In The Eye

Gordon Brown is now so weak that to criticise him would seem almost like bullying. He has the face of the kid your mother made you play with, the face of a dog at the vets. But just as MPs from all political parties turn toward preparations for the next General Election, once again the creature rises from its crypt - not Brown himself, rather the subject of honourable members' expenses. Enter Sir Thomas Legg, the auditor charged with bringing the Commons to book.

Following Sir Thomas's findings, we learn today that Brown is to repay £12,415, wrongly claimed for cleaning and gardening services. Casually trousered, the amount of money many people take home in a year. How Hazel 'Bride of Chucky' Blears must be clapping her chubby little mitts at such revelations.

Another of the so-called Bliar Babes, Brown's former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, has just apologised to the Commons for breaching expenses rules. Smith had designated her sister's house in London as her main home, a move that allowed her to claim public money for the mortgage on the family home in her Redditch constituency. The one with the husband and the artistic hard-core films. Her apology was so sincere it was termed unreserved, rather than just the ordinary, sorry-lite version.

Lib-Dem leader Nick Clegg has also been caught out. At first sight, Clegg's personality is like an old woman's cushion that's been left out in the rain for cats to piss on. Yet all is not quite as it seems. Here is a man who improperly claims over £900 for gardening expenses, over a three-year period. Nearly a pound a day. He's bolder than we think. Even more surprising, during his keynote speech at the squabbling Lib-Dem Conference recently, Clegg announced he wanted to be Prime Minister. Well, good luck with that one.