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Gordon Brown, PM at lastTakes us down, into the DoldrumsNo sense of funDour and glumAlways a frownWith Gordon BrownEvery time, just like the lastLies and spin echo the Blair yearsLoves the EUFreemason tooAlways a frownWith Gordon BrownDoo be dooBe doo be dooBe doo be dooBe doo doo doo dooDoo be doo Be doo be doo Be doo be doo Be doo doo doo dooGordon Brown, not long to goBillions lost, let the banks cheat usThroughout the yearsCrocodile tearsFinancial clownThat's Gordon BrownFrom an idea by Hugh Cornwell.
Gordon Brown is now so weak that to criticise him would seem almost like bullying. He has the face of the kid your mother made you play with, the face of a dog at the vets. But just as MPs from all political parties turn toward preparations for the next General Election, once again the creature rises from its crypt - not Brown himself, rather the subject of honourable members' expenses. Enter Sir Thomas Legg, the auditor charged with bringing the Commons to book.
Following Sir Thomas's findings, we learn today that Brown is to repay £12,415, wrongly claimed for cleaning and gardening services. Casually trousered, the amount of money many people take home in a year. How Hazel 'Bride of Chucky' Blears must be clapping her chubby little mitts at such revelations.
Another of the so-called Bliar Babes, Brown's former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, has just apologised to the Commons for breaching expenses rules. Smith had designated her sister's house in London as her main home, a move that allowed her to claim public money for the mortgage on the family home in her Redditch constituency. The one with the husband and the artistic hard-core films. Her apology was so sincere it was termed unreserved, rather than just the ordinary, sorry-lite version.
Lib-Dem leader Nick Clegg has also been caught out. At first sight, Clegg's personality is like an old woman's cushion that's been left out in the rain for cats to piss on. Yet all is not quite as it seems. Here is a man who improperly claims over £900 for gardening expenses, over a three-year period. Nearly a pound a day. He's bolder than we think. Even more surprising, during his keynote speech at the squabbling Lib-Dem Conference recently, Clegg announced he wanted to be Prime Minister. Well, good luck with that one.
What's been happening in the world of politics over the summer? It's usually a quiet time, but a few gems have emerged that we could touch on.
Nick 'Camel-Toe' Griffin, failed anorexic and leader of the British Lunatic Party, was pelted with eggs outside Parliament and forced to abandon a press conference. That's democracy for you. Police are poised to interview around sixty million suspects. An inspired media reporter revealed that following the assault on his person, Hitler-esque Griffin was 'whisked away'. But why eggs? Surely instead, samosas. Preferably frozen. Or just bricks.
After her over-publicised collapse from nervous exhaustion, 'popular' Scottish singer Susan Boyle received a comforting telephone call from none other than ... Gordon Brown. An attempt to show his caring side, perhaps. Or was it the beginnings of a support group?
Finally, because I've been wrestling with my MA thesis over the summer, I have yet to investigate Peter Mandelson's latest appointment. In particular, I'm keen to identify the democratic process by which he became Business Secretary. I'm assuming that, like (nearly) everyone else in Chuckles' er team, Rasputin has received a ringing endorsement from the electorate. It's just that I don't remember any such process taking place. I wonder what I'll find?
Hazel Blears, the traitorous Red Dwarf, has admitted cruelty in her recent comments about Gordon Brown. But apparently, she didn't mean to sabotage his struggle to stay in office. She has grovellingly apologised for the timing of her resignation - on the eve of the European elections.
She concedes too, that she shouldn't really have worn a brooch bearing the slogan 'Rocking the Boat' during her Day of Reprisal. 'The effect on the party is something I will regret forever,' she now claims tearfully.
Of course, she gives reasons for her behaviour. These are to do with other people.
Pressure, she says, was put on her by the Daily Telegraph. Er, well, a big fat £13,000 payback for expenses improperly claimed suggests there was some reason for the Telegraph's stance. And fancy waving the cheque around on telly - like Father Ted's Mrs Doyle in the Mainland episode.
Because of the media, pressure was also experienced by her family, she explains, which was terribly upsetting - on her husband, and her 'dad'. Note the touching use of the diminutive to tug at our heart-strings. Works well, doesn't it.
Partly because of Blears' antics and the terrible publicity to Labour, in the north-west of England the insane British National Party was able to snatch MEP seats.
Next Thursday, the Dwarf faces her Salford constituency, and possible de-selection. So, is this latest peroration an act of contrition, or merely a shameless attempt to keep her seat? And even if her remorse is genuine, who would want representation by an MP with such lack of judgement?
Miss Blears has said she will not return to the Cabinet. A view presumably shared by Chuckles and his remaining satellites.
And another. This time it's Caroline Flint, glamour-puss, fashion model and former part-time Europe Minister. A close friend of the Red Dwarf, today Flint has claimed Chuckles has a two-tier government and treats female ministers as 'window dressing'.
The timing of this realisation is interesting. Three days ago Flint promised uncritical loyalty to Brown's tottering regime. Then came Cabinet musical chairs in which she was passed over. It's almost as if sour grapes drove her decision to resign, but in today's Telegraph, she denies being a wrecking ball.
'I want Labour to be re-elected and I still support the Government', insists the stilletoed assassin. She then goes on to explain at unnecessary length her views on wider sexism in the workplace, political and otherwise. This is an insultingly obvious attempt to move away from her specific motive in sledging Brown, and toward less controversial, more comfortable boilerplate. Transparency in government indeed - though not for hard-hearted Flint.
I don't usually put jokes on this blog, but my friend Dave The Bass has kindly made a contribution that I can't resist.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands of your clock will move.'
The man pointed at the first clock. 'Who's is that?' 'That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved, because she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man, 'and the next one?' 'The Queen of England's. The hands have only moved twice, because she's only told two lies in her entire life.'
'Where's Gordon Brown's?' asked the man. St Peter replied, 'Gordon's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
One of the joys of this joke is its flexibility.
Recently, Gordon Brown apologised for controversial emails sent by his aide, Damian McBride, as part of a plot to smear senior Conservative politicians. He had not known of McBride's initiative, despite sitting in the cubicle next to him at work. Mr Brown's apology took the following form:'I take full responsibility for what's happened. That's why the person responsible for what happened went immediately.'A masterclass in doublespeak. Segue to Brown's recent YouTube appearance, where he reveals measures intended to alter rules on MPs' claims for second homes and expenses, and smiles at us. A gro-bag smile forced, devoid of spontaneity or sincerity, but which stimulates in return a grin of delight.Interestingly, a YouGov survey taken a short time ago reveals Brown is now less trusted than notorious womaniser and cad Boris Johnson. The poll found more people have faith in the Mayor of London to keep his word than the Prime Minister. Cripes!
