Ancient Cornwall: Just Do It!

Zennor quoit, West Penwith

The granite peninsula of Penwith forms Cornwall’s western tip.  By turn wild or sun-softened, the landscape varies from brooding greys to summer’s heathland radiance, and unbelievably vivid skies. Further east at the Duchy’s heart, the crags and spaces of Bodmin Moor breathe myth; hamlets and farms huddle in shallow valleys, along tiny twisting lanes. Both places are isolated and moody, but magnificent. 

It’s not just the views which captivate; the two areas watch over a wealth of ancient riches, some of Britain’s finest prehistoric stone sites. Other parts of Cornwall too have their share of monuments, thousands of years old. The great stones are a winner for walks and discovering, and inspire an emotional connection which may surprise you.

Ancient Cornwall is my latest little book for Cornish publisher Tor Mark. It’s a glimpse at the Duchy’s most spectacular ancient treasures, and the gorgeous countryside which makes exploring such an unforgettable experience.

You may meet no-one; pause to listen and often the only sound is birdsong, or the wind. But as well as the stones and scenery you’ll find wildlife: brown mottled buzzards, forever patrolling with cold all-seeing stare; perhaps a lizard at rest on warm rocks; along the path a bold stoat, sitting up with front legs waggling.

There’s no rush to see everything at once. Cornwall’s beautiful stones have stood for thousands of years; they’ll be around for a long while yet. Bask in the atmosphere whether bracing or sublime, let the elements soothe or assault you. The ancient sites are a world away from busy beaches and organised entertainments, especially in high summer. On the moors there are no ice-creams or pasties, but take a packed lunch and soak up the serenity; you’ll want for nothing.

Ancient Cornwall will be published in March of next year.

Mangling Our Sacred Language!

Weather Goddess

What’s this current linguistic vogue for stuffing extra syllables into perfectly good words?  More and more, the trait’s being adopted by TV presenters and media ‘personalities’; perhaps they’ve picked it up from Engerland’s football supporters.

This isn’t evolution of language; these aren’t new words.  Such affectation sits alongside the equally irksome upward-lilt which appeared a while ago, the ending of spoken sentences as if to say: “D'ya follow?"

So today, instead of struggling to make ends meet, we’re said to be ‘struggerling’.  People who run fast are atherletes, while gamberling is no longer what lambs do.  Those who speak in this way aren't composing poetry, nor are they always from Essex.  It sounds idiotic and often a touch self-conscious.  Please make it stop.

While we’re on the subject, TV’s weather forecasters (with one exception against whom I’ll hear nothing) now treat 'Ireland' as synonymous with 'island'. I’m sure that’ll please everyone in the nation of bogs, little people, and great filums like Von Ryan’s Daughter.

Celebrity Plummet-Off: Baumgartner v Suarez v Savile!

Which of these famous celebrities has fallen furthest over the last week?

Is it Austrian space-age sky-diver Felix Baumgartner? Well done, you raving madman. Felix is sponsored by Red Bull - what could he achieve on three cans?

Or perhaps ‘footballer’ and hilarious showman, Luis Suarez. Previously an air-diving medal-winner on Uruguayan TV game-show ‘World’s Biggest Tosser’.

Or finally, Jimmy Savile: a fall from Grace (14) was alleged in 1976. Media 'personality' Esther Rantzen has bravely spoken out about Savile's crimes, now he’s dead.

Kill Burglar Bill!

"Take that, oik!"

Following the attack on plebeian police officers by the Tory Party’s chief whip, Andrew 'Thrasher' Mitchell, today Britain’s new Justice Minister Chris Grayling has attempted to even things up.

Grayling’s carefree initiative supports the police, by allowing home owners to assault with all force at their disposal any intruder found on their premises. The move comes after several high-profile cases where householders who confronted criminals were arrested. Never again will there be a question of frightened residents having ‘over-reacted’ to a burglary, trespass, or poor people looking for odd jobs.

In toff areas across Britain, doors and windows in big houses are now being left wide-open overnight. John Lewis reports spiralling sales of gun-cabinets and kitchen machetes, while local community groups are overjoyed. 

Bunny Tuffington (84) chairs Henley Neighbourhood Watch. “Each night we’ll be placing a choice of valuable household items on the drive, with the security gates unlocked. Shouldn’t take too long to bag some council estate layabout, especially after the pubs shut.” Clutching his gleaming new Purdey shotgun, Tuffington added: “Hug a hoodie, my arse. Being potted by rate-payers is simply a chance every burglar will have to take.”

Of course, people who merely rent ‘their’ homes will be excluded from the Conservatives’ legislation, while those entering rich people’s gardens for any reason will be fair game. Intruders who live through their experience will be given a severe ticking-off and in extreme cases possibly even a small fine.

Happy hunting! 
 

It's GateGate! Andrew Mitchell v Tiresome Plebs

'Thrasher' Mitchell yesterday, and in the 
background where he should be, a pleb.

The Tory Party’s chief whip, Andrew 'Thrasher' Mitchell, has insulted police constables guarding Downing Street. 

Leaving after an arduous day’s work but refused an exit by his preferred gate, Mitchell angrily rounded on the officers, calling them “fucking plebs” and screaming at them to “learn your fucking place." 

As the tirade duly went viral, how Prime Minister David Flashman must have cringed.  At a stroke the Conservatives' real imperative has been laid bare. Flashman and his creatures govern for society’s upper reaches, ‘people like us’, not bothering with those below. This episode will haunt the Tories, the party which now openly views most of Britain’s electorate as the great unwashed. It’s a PR apocalypse, and Labour 'leader' Ed Miliband must be on his knees gibbering with gratitude. 

Now isn’t a good time to attack the police. In Manchester they have a terrible tragedy to deal with, and across the country savage budget cuts to somehow manage. Eventually, millionaire Mitchell managed to express some regret for his outburst, explaining he’d had a hard day. 

But the chief whip’s contrition was far from an ‘unreserved apology', whatever that is. Mitchell admitted the general episode but denied the abuse. His regret was more a self-justification, an arrogant sorry-lite which deceived no-one. 

It turned out Thrasher’s fraught day had included a slap-up lunchtime meal with toff friends. His outburst, by contrast, has the ring of truth, the term ‘pleb’ a typical expression someone of his age and outlook would use. Police logs confirm the rant; why would constables invent this stuff?

If I walked up to a police officer and shouted “you fucking pleb”, I’d expect some come-back. Labour is calling for an enquiry, but no doubt the episode will be brushed under the carpet as best Flashman can. Discouraged from making a fuss, the constables may be moved to other duties. But for the Tories and Andrew Mitchell life will continue much as usual, until 2015.

South Yorks Police Investigate Body!

PC Mason: no 'wrong-doing'.

Experts from South Yorkshire Police Force have been brought in to help investigate a body found recently in a city-centre car park. The corpse is believed to be that of fifteenth-century monarch, King Richard III.

South Yorkshire spokesman PC Norman Mason said last night: “There’s strong evidence to suggest the body is that of Richard, who we're certain was born in Liverpool. Our forensic tests have confirmed beyond doubt that at the time he died, the man had drunk several cans of strong lager and had been fighting.” 

Asked to comment on the corpse’s apparent spinal deformity, Mason said: “Police files show Richard was suspected of falsely claiming disability benefits over several hundred years.”

Numerous items found near the body are being treating as stolen property, including a sword, a jewelled crown and a sovereign ring. “Our investigating officers’ written records are all completely consistent in their findings,” explained Mason. “It’s clear Richard had purloined the items, probably from a frail pensioner. We’ve also checked on whether the accused had a criminal record, and now he has.”          

But Liverpool resident Doris Scally (78), a descendent of Richard who lives in the city’s popular Toxteth area, believes the police may have made things up. “Our Rich hated fighting. The whole Battle of Bosworth could have passed off peacefully if the bizzies had done their job. It’s the biggest cover-up in history, including Derek Hatton’s expenses muddle.” 

Bosworth, fought in 1485 between teams from York and Lancaster, claimed several thousand lives including the King's.  But PC Mason insisted: “We did nothing wrong.”

Richard III can't be named for legal reasons. 

Pillsbury Reshuffle: Idiot Replaced By Bellend!

In today's Cabinet reshuffle, Prime Minister David Pillsbury has inexplicably sacked popular Minister of Health Andrew Lansley. Under Mr Lansley's tenure the NHS has received repeated hammer-blows to reduce its service, and drive sick people toward private health. Lansley is a strong supporter of Neo-Darwinism, his views embraced by the Tories as reflecting a sadly unavoidable need for cost-cutting to the bone.

Replacing Mr Lansley is former Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt, the man who colluded with Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation when the company was trying to buy broadcaster BSkyB. Handily for his new duties Hunt believes in the power of homeopathy, which has been dismissed by a handful of prejudiced detractors as "unscientific bollocks". In a statement, the minister denied his aim is to reduce all NHS hospitals to portacabins staffed by children on work-experience schemes.

Meanwhile a spokesperson for News Corp has refused to confirm viral rumours that Murdoch will now be moving into the healthcare business. But thanks to BBC Radio 4's James Naughty, at least the incoming Health Minister has a suitable nick-name to help him in learning parts of the body.

Lucky Cornwall Gets New Hospital!

In a surprise move today, Cornwall’s much-loved medical service provider Serco Ltd has confounded its few critics by announcing the opening of a brand-new health facility for the people of West Penwith. 

Serco spokesperson Kelvin Slavery said: “We’re delighted to confirm another addition to our leading-edge healthcare services for you Cornish. The opening of the Mên an Tol Cottage Hospital demonstrates yet again the innovation and originality of the Serco brand. You’d have to be mad to believe there’s any better, cheaper solution to the medical needs of residents across West Penwith, including er St Austell.”

The hospital’s ground-breaking ‘medicine portal’ is currently being commissioned. Serco workers have laid new turf around the portal’s base, to remove muddy puddles and provide an enhanced hospital experience for patients.

Cornwall Council too is thrilled. During an on-site visit, Council spokesperson Kelvin Slavery said: “We’re delighted to confirm another addition to our leading-edge healthcare services for you Cornish. The opening of the Mên an Tol Cottage Hospital demonstrates yet again the innovation and originality of the Serco brand. Right, through you go, let’s test this mutha!”

Prince Harry Has A Great Laugh!

Half-royal, half-squaddie; just when you think he's grown up, Prince Harry enlivens our lives with more crazy antics.  This time he’s given up the Nazi uniform for no clothes at all!  On holiday in Las Vegas, the young Prince has been photographed cavorting naked in a sleazy hotel room, covering his genitals with his hands while a nude woman hides behind his back.

At first, fearful of Leveson, the British press delayed publishing the leaked photographs.  Instead, yesterday the Sun ‘newspaper’ created a mock-up image of the likely scene; a journalist stood in as royal body double, and a handy naked woman was placed behind.  The girl in question happened to be a passing intern who was persuaded to strip, rather than one of the Sun’s bevy of topless beauties.

Today though the Sun published the real photographs, a move it claimed was somehow in the public interest as well as a test of Britain's free press. Harry, who's been anxious to distance himself from his image as an insubstantial playboy, was said to have giggled over the episode before leaving for a happy-hour session on the public purse.

Meanwhile the Prince’s stepfather, Charles Windsor, was keen to establish the identity of the lady in the case, saying: "I suppose Harry will have to marry the bloody girl.”  Step-grandfather Philip wasn’t available for comment; an aide explained he’d been called away at short notice to his gun cabinet. 

Olympic Champion Nicola Adams - You're Amazing!

Well done Nicola Virginia Adams, winner of the first ever women's Olympic Boxing gold medal.  The Leeds flyweight boxed brilliantly from the opening moments to the last in her 16-7 title-winning fight, and received the verdict with a grin which threatened to cut her head in half; meanwhile, the crowd went absolutely bonkers.

Nicola began boxing at the age of 12, her heroes Sugar Ray Leonard and Muhammad Ali.  Now, she's a world champion herself.  And she's gorgeous too!