Royal Wedding Tat-Watch

With excitment across Britain reaching fever pitch at the thought of an additional public holiday, sales linked with the coming royal wedding have boosted the economy by £1 trillion. The retail power of W an' K has resuscitated UK business and lifted the mood of the entire nation. 29 April could be the biggest souvenir pay-day the country's seen since much-loved Prince Charles married his beautiful Diana in 1981. Throughout the land shops are awash with ­memorabilia, from traditional mugs, plates and tea towels to even more useless items: iPhone covers, lavatory seats, garden gnomes.

Here's some of the junk available to mark the big day:

Absurdly expensive:

• Prince William bubbly, £24.99, Tesco. Created by Champagne house Alexander Bonnet, which registered the name Prince William shortly after his birth.
  

• Twinings Royal Wedding ­Commemorative Blend, miserably small packet, £14.99, Waitrose

• Royal Wedding Union Jack Chocolate Bar, £14.95. www.prezzybox.com

• Charbonnel et Walker Catherine and William ­crown-shaped chocolates, £35.00, John Lewis

• Rowse Royal Wedding Honey, £13.69, Waitrose
  

• Royal wedding teapot, £29.50, Marks & Spencer

• Kate and William cushion, £30.00, www.find-me-a-gift.co.uk

Prole stuff (but still pricey):

• 'Will loves Kate' Union Jack white mug, £3, Lidl
  

• William and Kate tea towels, £4.00 each, Asda

• Royal Worcester mug (second), £5.99, from the Lidl Britain range
  

• Melamine cup and saucer set, £3.50, Asda

• Two engraved perspex champagne flutes, £3.99, Aldi
  

• William and Kate plate, £5.00, Co-op
  

• Commemorative coin, £9.99, www.royalmint.com

• Kate and William masks, £2.99 each, www.find-me-a-gift.co.uk

Much of this tat will end up in sales or at your local pound shop, of course; by autumn, car-boots will be peddling little else. The cushion might come in handy if your thing's face-sitting, but make sure you have it the right way round.